Thankful for Breastfeeding

In this season of Thanksgiving, I want to thank the Lord for the gift of being able to nurse my son. S and I had a difficult time and were never able to, so it's something I'm trying so hard to not take for granted.

I'm also trying to avoid the pride and ugliness that can crop up in this world of heated words hurled at mamas who make different decisions or are in different life circumstances.

Since giving birth to W at the end of July, one of my absolute favorite things has been nursing. It gives me a chance to relax, put my feet up, and just enjoy my babe. It's also extremely nice to not have to wash bottles.

There is something so satisfactory as a mama about knowing that your body is meeting your baby's needs. This satisfaction {for me} can almost borderline on pride at times.

My heart is so sinful. That I could feel superior and smug over a beautiful and natural gift from the Lord is just ugly.

Because the reality is that all good gifts come from him {James 1:17}. Good gifts should never be a source of pride, but rather of thanks to the Giver. What do we have that we have not received {1 Corinthians 4:7}?

I remember a time when breastfeeding wasn't easy. When my little preemie and I were unable to figure out the complexities of nursing. When I just gave up trying and instead, exclusively pumped for an entire year.

I spent nearly 40 hours each week (yes, a full time job) pumping and washing pump parts, to only produce a small fraction of the milk my chronic projectile vomitor consumed. Many times I wanted to quit. 

I remember that many mamas try hard, and want so desperately to nurse, but for whatever reason just can't. Maybe their supply doesn't come in. Maybe they don't get the help they need. Maybe their current life situation just isn't conducive to it. Maybe they give up in the desperate throws of mastitis or engorgement or nursing strikes. I remember how desperate I've felt in those moments. While 99% of nursing is pure bliss, that dreadful 1% when it isn't, when it hurts like nothing you could have ever imagined and you are so terribly tired, can bring you to your knees.

My friend Mandy very much wanted to breastfeed each of her three children, and unfortunately was unable to. She reminded me that even when what we're given doesn't seem good, we are guaranteed that it is all working together for our good and His glory {Rom. 8:28}.

"While I didn't feel like my issues with not being able nurse were good, they were still a gift from God because they drew me to Him. They taught me about Him. They helped me become more like His Son... I TOTALLY agree that breastfeeding is the best way to go, but it is not the end goal of life for us as mothers or our children and we can't let it be an idol of our heart in wanting it or thinking we are better because of it." {Mandy J. Hoffman}

Being able to nurse is just a gift, plain and simple. God gives different gifts to different people, and the gifts we receive are all of grace. We deserve or earn none of them. I am not a better mama because I breastfeed. You are not a lesser mama because you don't.

I remember telling women that I exclusively pumped, and that breastfeeding just didn't work out for us. So many times they would offer suggestions, or what worked for them, or raise their eyebrows in disbelief.

I think they were mostly trying to be helpful. But oh, how I wanted to scream, "You don't know how hard I've tried!" They didn't know much I'd grieved over it, or that I'd worked extensively with three different lactation consultants, read the books, tried so many different tricks and approaches, given my very best. Unwittingly they added insult to my injury.

The Mommy Wars are just plain ugly. While I strongly believe that breastfeeding is healthier for both mom and babe, I also need to really understand, deep in my heart of hearts, that it is never okay to judge another mother's motives or methods behind the parenting decisions she's made.

We just don't know. We don't know her story, her behind-the-scenes. We aren't intimately acquainted with her child- but she sure is. All we should assume is that she loves her child, and is giving this mothering business her best. 

All this to say, instead of taking pride in the decision and ability to breastfeed, I want to give thanks to the Lord, acknowledging that I wouldn't be able to do so if He didn't provide the milk, and the information and people that have helped me along the way.

Being able to nurse my son is a gift. Having access to formula when you can't breastfeed is also a gift. Loving one another despite our differences in parenting styles is a gift. We are all prone to judging, and we desperately need God's grace to be humble and charitable with one another.

All is grace, friends.

Book Review: First Bites (And Giveaway!)

Maybe I haven't mentioned it before...

But S and I have had a really hard time with solids. I waited until she was nine months old (six adjusted) before introducing my little preemie to "real" food.

You cannot imagine the excitement I had built up. Before having S I was a nanny. Introducing solids to the little girl I watched had been so much fun! I loved every single spoonful of it.

Before I even got pregnant I owned a copy of Ruth Yaron's Super Baby Food- I had perused it diligently, and was determined to make and freeze my own baby food.

It was quite the let down when S couldn't care less. I do not even want to tell you how much food I threw away because we tried to feed her, but she still wasn't interested.

Only in the last week and a half (I kid you not!) has S begun to eat two or three pureed meals a day. She is 15 months old now (12 adjusted).

I've learned that kids will eat on their own timetable. All that a poor parent can do is keep trying and be patient!

That being said, over the past six months I've experienced burn out when it comes to making my own baby food. After all of the wasted food, time, attempts, and money- I started buying the stuff so I had it "just in case". S would eat a meal here and another one there, but she was so inconsistent that my freezer spply would go bad before she could finish it. Super Baby Food is a great book, but it is gigantic, and at times overwhelming and intimidating...

So I was super excited when Hilary Kimes Bernstein asked me to read and review her new ebook, First Bites!

As a former journalist (with 10 years experience under her belt!), Hilary serves up a plate full of excellent research on feeding your little one- from formula and breastmilk, to purees and finger foods. It contains a quick and informative survey of what every mom needs to know about nutrition in their child's first year.

• If you're unfamiliar with the benefits of breastfeeding and the downside to formula, this book is for you.

• If you don't have time to read Super Baby Food, or any other big fat book on baby food, this book is for you.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed by all of the information out there on feeding your baby, this book is for you.

I was particularly interested to learn the statistics regarding breast milk supply in first world vs. third world countries, the effects of food coloring (natural and synthetic!) on children, and what to do if you must feed your baby formula (as S is on it right now).

Hilary's book reminded me why I wanted to make my own baby food in the first place. It was just the motivation I've been needing to get back on the bandwagon! I appreciate her Christian perspective and her encouraging tone.

As a baby Hilary herself was fed formula exclusively. She acknowledges that no matter how healthily we try to feed our babies, toxins are a part of life in a fallen world. God is ultimately in control, so we must do the best we can and trust Him to take care of things!

The good news? Hilary is offering to share a free copy of First Bites with one Purposeful Wife reader! The winner of this book will be given her choice between a copy for the Kindle, or PDF. The giveaway starts today, and ends this coming Wednesday. Good luck!

If you don't win the giveaway, you can purchase Hilary's book here for $9.99. Bonus: 10% of all proceeds are going to World Vision to help feed hungry children.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

*Disclaimer: I received a free copy of First Bites for my honest opinion and review. There are no affiliate links in this post.  

Linked with: The Better Mom, and A Mama's Story.

Life as an Exclusively Pumping Mom

Today I am honored to be featured on the blog of a good friend of mine (in real life!). The Birth Bug is a blog devoted to birth enthusiasts. Written by a certified doula, The Birth Bug covers a wide variety of topics, from homebirth to breastfeeding to babywearing, and everything in between.

My guest post is all about life as an exclusively pumping mom. I share a bit of my story, how pumping was not my choice, but a default under difficult circumstances.

Here's a clip:

"Maybe some women choose exclusive pumping as a means of feeding their baby.

For the most part, however, it seems that exclusive pumping is a fall back plan.

At least it was in my case.

My first choice has always been breastfeeding. I knew that it was good for both baby and me. My mom did it, my friends did it, why wouldn’t I do it?

Because my daughter came at only 27 weeks gestation, weighing just under two pounds. Oral feeds were not an option, and wouldn’t be for weeks. Breast milk was no longer an issue of preference, but of life and death."


Click on over here to read the rest!

And if pregnancy, natural birth, and other crunchy mom things appeal to you, be sure to check out this blog! Because it is wonderful, and I must take the liberty of telling you so :).

Don't. Know. If. I. Can. Go. On. Any. Longer...

This simple picture could pass as a description of my life for the last 11 months. While it made me laugh, it also made me want to cry.

One year ago, I didn't even know there was such a thing as an "exclusive pumper." Nor did I know about the world of the NICU and premature babies.

My plan was to breastfeed. My mom breastfed me. Breastmilk is good for mamas and babies, and much cheaper than formula. So it seemed like a good plan.

Then S came 3 months early. Breastmilk, while good for full-term babies,can be crucial for micro-preemies. S was fed via a tube for the first month and a half of her life, so if she was going to get breastmilk, I was going to have to pump.

When it came time to try her first feeding by mouth, I was given an option: try breastfeeding exclusively or go with a bottle. Bottle feeding was the fast track out of the NICU. S had been in the hospital for ages, and I just wanted my baby to come home. Can anyone blame me for choosing the bottle?

After S came home I tried to switch her to breastfeeding. By this point I had been pumping exclusively for over two months, which had done a number on me and made my attempts at breastfeeding more than a little painful. We always had to use a nipple shield. S would fall asleep nursing, and I would still have to feed her a bottle and pump, so my experiments with nursing were taking three times as long as just pumping.

A few weeks into trying, I gave up. It was hard, it hurt, it was time consuming... and we were making zero progress. Breastfeeding was my first choice. Exclusive pumping became my fall back plan.

By December my stock-piled frozen breastmilk had run out, and we started supplementing with formula. I was still pumping 7-8 times a day, and not making enough milk to keep up with my daughter's demands.

The bigger S has gotten, the more challenging pumping has become. If you've spent anytime around me in person, you've heard me say more than once that

"I just don't even know what I'll do with all the extra time I have once I stop pumping."

"I don't know how much longer I can do this!"

"Sorry, I can't stay out any longer- I've got to get home and pump!"

"I feel chained to my pump."

"I can't imagine life without pumping."

To conserve time spent on the couch, I bottle feed S while pumping. Today she is over 16 pounds, extremely squirmy and strong and active... I'm sure you can imagine the rest. 

Every single pumping session (6 times a day, mind you), I'm dealing with a baby who doesn't like to be scrunched on my lap, kicking pump pieces, pulling out tubes, spilling milk down my chest, throwing off the alignment of my flanges, and contorting body parts into directions that they were not meant to go.

It is bothersome, to say in the least. And oftentimes very painful. And the bottom line? Both S and I are constantly feeling frustrated.

Yesterday I hit my breaking point. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this! My goal was to make it one year.... I am only one month away, and yet I doubt that I will be able to make it to my goal with my sanity still intact.

What to do??? All kinds of mother guilt is hitting me. I want S to have the best, I'm home for her (not housework), and I save all kinds of money for our family by pumping.

I don't want to be rash in my decision either. For now I'm thinking of slowly cutting back, maybe just pumping 5xs a day? This is a hard call and I'm torn.

And that's where I'm at today friends- debating, doubting, stuck in a rut... It's the honest truth. Welcome to a day in my life.

Have you ever felt burnt out as a mom? What would you do in my situation? And how do you go about making important parenting decisions?

Augustine on Breastfeeding

Feeding S a bottle of breastmilk during her NICU days

 "I know not whence I came, only that your merciful sustenance kept me alive when I did... It was your sustenance I drew from fleshly milk, since neither my mother nor nurses were filling their own breasts with it. You yourself dispensed this baby food through them, following the pattern, the gracious providence, you have embedded deep in nature. You provided that I should wish for no more than was supplied, and that those supplying it should wish to give me what you gave them. The wish to supply me came from the natural instinct you planted deep in them, so that doing me good did them good, a good they did not provide themselves but passed on from you, the source of all good, my God, my rescue at every stage." -Augustine, Confessions, In-Fans (Speechless)

When's the last time you praised God for feeding and sustaining your baby? Beautiful, said as only Augustine could say it.