2 Powerful Tools for Changing Your Husband

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During our pre-marital counseling, at one point our pastor said, "You can't go into marriage hoping to change your spouse." 

Apparently I pulled a face, because everyone at the table burst out laughing. I solemnly swear to this day that any face I made was completely accidental! I know technically that it is not good to marry someone you are seriously hoping will make major changes.

But if we're honest, I think most married women would admit that in certain seasons, there have been areas of our husband's life that alternately make us concerned, upset, or anxious. Our husbands are sinners {we wives are too!}, and so none of them are perfectly sanctified.

Be a True Friend to Your Husband

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"Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife." Franz Schubert

My husband just asks for something simple, and inwardly I heave a giant sigh. Everyone in our house needs me- to eat, to hold, to find that missing thing, to listen, to clean, to go to the bathroom... my husband being excluded from the last category, of course.

But you see what I mean. The five and under crowd are a demanding lot. I have three of them in my house, so daily experience has schooled me. They all need me for quite a lot every single day. Every single night too, come to think of it...

Sometimes I'm guilty of viewing them all as leeches, with my husband as the biggest one who certainly doesn't need me for his very existence like the kids do... so can't he get along just fine on his own? Doesn't he realize that I've already been sucked dry?

Making Over My Evenings {Day 4}

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I'm working my way through Crystal Paine's new course, Makeover Your Evenings- 14 days of videos, reading, and projects designed to bring more order, rest, and productivity into your life. If you'd like to grab the course and work through it right along with me, you can do so here. Each weekday night I'll be posting my takeaway from the day's coursework. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it and how you are making over your own evenings!

Today we come to it- the real problem in my life, in my marriage, with my evenings... is me. If my nights are going to change, I am going to need to change. They aren't fun to think about, but our character flaws and shortcomings need to be acknowledged before we can make real progress.

Guidelines for Talking About My Husband

Our culture is rife with husband bashing. Moms nights out are notorious opportunities for women to complain about their husbands. T.V. shows often treat dads as the dummies and moms as police patrol, keeping both kids and husband in line. I've heard my fair share of husband complaints at play dates, the grocery store, and the park.

Recently I've become frustrated with Berenstain Bear books for this very reason. I remember them fondly from childhood and tend to consider them wholesome children's literature... but has anyone else noticed the tendency of Papa Bear to act just like one of the cubs, while Mama Bear reigns as the far wiser head of the family?

One of our biggest opportunities as wives to meet our husbands need for respect is in the way we talk about him when he isn't around. How we speak about their dad in front of our kids is a crucial opportunity to inspire their own respect, or conversely, lack of respect, for their father. Our words about the man in our life truly matter.

To counter my own tendency towards sinful husband bashing, I try to pass my words through this filter:

The Biggest Problem in My Marriage

It's not our financial situation.

It's not the differences in our opinions of how we should raise our children.

It's not the fact that he doesn't listen particularly well when he's sitting in front of a screen.

Or even that we still haven't perfectly nailed the whole communication thing.

It isn't sex.

It isn't either pair of in-laws.

And it isn't about roles and who does what in our relationship.

Are You A Generous Judge of Your Husband?

"We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior." Stephen M.R. Covey

My husband shared this quote with me, and I winced.

How true it is! I have such good intentions- all of these lovely ideas and goals, ways to show love and kindness and the gospel to others... and while I don't complete even a sliver of them, they are in my mind and make me feel fairly good about myself. Or at least give me the slightest smidgen of reassurance when I fail- I know what I meant to do, and it's my heart that counts... right?

One Word for 2016

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." 
{Proverbs 31:26}

This quality of the Proverbs 31 woman is currently the one that pierces me with the most painful conviction. For a long time it was the following, verse 27- "She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness." Laziness is one of those pet sins that I think I will be fighting until I die.

But since my children have multiplied, and sleep is less consistent and chaos more so, my temper has flared up and my tongue gets out of control. I hate the way I sound when scolding my kids, and they aren't big fans of it either.

Plus it sounds 8 million times worse when the same tone of voice comes out of my four year old daughter scolding her two year old brother. It is what she is hearing from me, and it is ugly.

I desperately need to learn the "teaching of kindness."

This year I am committing to praying over and working towards this particular fruit of the Spirit. I don't want to be THAT mom- the cranky, grumpy one who lashes out at her kids with harsh and unkind words.

I recently read Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal, and the impression that has stayed longest with me since finishing is Carolyn's warm accolades for her mother. The mother who was always kind, always joyful, so much so that her children were surprised at the many sacrifices required by parenting when they grew up and had their own children. She had never let onto the difficulties.  She had never played the martyr.

I want to be that mom. And I am so achingly far from it.

To help keep me accountable, and to encourage my progress, I intend to {Lord willing} write one post each month centered on this theme. I plan to memorize and meditate on relevant Scriptures, find visual reminders I can wear or post around my home, and pray a lot.

Want to join me?

If lack of kindness has been a point of struggle for you, I'd love to know how you combat it.

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My Husband Isn't My Helpmeet

Often as a wife I've found myself sucked into a downward spiral of ugly thoughts. With all of the laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes, and childcare, I at times make myself out to be a martyr.

The demands on my time seem to never let up, while my husband works his shift from 7:30-5. Sure, he is a very helpful, hands-on guy around the house and with the kids. But sometimes my selfish, greedy heart piles demands onto him that go far beyond the realms of his reasonable duty.

I'm angry when he doesn't read my mind and vacuum the floor while I'm doing the dishes. I become disgruntled during final dinner preparations if he's reading to our daughter but ignoring the baby's screams. And if by chance he is sitting on the sofa watching t.v. while I'm still slaving away in the kitchen, you can bet a storm is brewing in my heart.

"Why doesn't he help me more???" I stewed on one particularly grumpy evening. All I wanted to do was crash on the couch with him. I was tired and worn out, and it all seemed so unfair.

The thought dawned on me in that moment. A gentle, Holy Spirit guided hush- my husband wasn't made to be my helpmeet. I was made to be his. 

These dishes, and the day-in, day-out, draining tasks that come with a house full of kids- they're my opportunity to serve him well and fulfill my God given role of being "a helper suitable to him".

When I remember who is supposed to be helping who, it frees me to be grateful for just how helpful my husband really is. It's a reminder to count my blessings, and to do my work joyfully, as unto the Lord and not unto myself or other people {don't they notice how hard I work??? martyr complex...}.

I do think it is good and God-honoring for husbands to help and serve their wives. But when my eyes are on my lofty expectations for what my husband ought to be doing for me, my perspective is way skewed.

Peace and freedom come in embracing the work God has given with joy and a thankful heart. 

"Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" Genesis 2:18

Thankful for My Husband

When Niall saw this picture on my computer screen, he laughed. "That was before the world broke us."

Sure, the last three years since it was taken have been full of ups and downs. Two kids, one less income, and the new challenges in this season of life have left us a whole lot more tired, with greater responsibilities that can at times feel like the weight of the world. That would be true.

Truer still that I haven't always been thankful. I've grumbled and nagged and snapped at him when times were hard or hormones ran high. 

But the good things have been sweet, and the ways that we've seen the Lord work and move, incredible. He's grown and healed our 27 week preemie, provided for each bill and need even when the numbers just didn't add up, and brought our second baby through a full term pregnancy. Being parents has been one of life's greatest joys, and we wouldn't trade our babies for a trial-free-life any day, ever. Period.

So on this, my husband's 29th birthday {which, oh, how he is cringing over}, I'd like to give thanks for Niall.

I'm thankful that he is boring.

I'm thankful that he quietly supported me and knew exactly what to do for our son's difficult labor, the perfect laboring partner.

I'm thankful that he works hard, even extra hours, to provide for us so that I can stay home. I'm thankful that me going out to work isn't even an option in his mind.

I'm thankful for his sense of humor {oh how he makes me laugh!} and his easy going personality that sets strangers at ease.

I'm thankful that even though he isn't perfect, with his share of struggles and character flaws {like the rest of us}, one thing he has always been is an incredibly warm and devoted, wonderful father.

I'm thankful that he still surprises me, and that I don't quite have him figured out yet.

I'm thankful for the hard decisions he's made. That he wants to honor the Lord, and even when I buck and bray, un-submissive wife that I at times am, he stays firm.

I'm thankful that he really and truly, deep down, cares for me and is looking out for me. Without a doubt, the man has my back.

I could go on, but he is probably already embarrassed enough. So here's to you honey- happy birthday.

Today's Special Purpose: Surprising my husband!

It is a beautiful sunny day today in northeastern Pennsylvania. And I have been inspired :).

My husband is at work all day, as usual, but he is going on a special guys night out this evening as well. It got me thinking, what if when he came home our house was actually really clean for the first time since baby? Or if I had actually ironed all of his shirts (also hasn't happened since bed rest, hehe)? If his desk was tidied and the nursery actually organized?

As probably happens to most mother's of newborns, my home has been fairly neglected lately. Usually the day is so full of feeding S and pumping milk in between feeds and trying to catch up on the sleep I'm not getting at night, that I feel great if just the dishes get done. And with the extra snippets of time I will confess I am usually reading or trying to rest or relax.

Well, today will be different, Lord willing. Today I am going to push extra hard to accomplish as many noticeable things as I possibly can- things that I know Niall will appreciate! Now I realize that S is going to have demands and needs, and those will be my first priority. And I also realize that sometimes your baby can throw you a curveball that consumes your entire afternoon. But by God's grace I am going to work as hard as I can, for just this one day! And tomorrow I can catch up on rest in a clean house :). Hopefully.

My plan of action: Tackle the vacuuming and ironing, as these will have the biggest impact. Anything that gets done on top of that is sheer bonus. I am trying to be realistic here :). I'll let you know how it goes!

What special thing will you do to bless your husband today?

The Delights of Dreaded Domestic Duties

One of the things that the Lord changed my heart about (when going through the previously mentioned study with my pastor's wife) was my attitude towards certain hated chores. Namely, ironing and dishes.

Do any of you hate doing the dishes??? Because I sure did! How about ironing? It can be very time-consuming, and not so delightful at the end of a long work day.

Graciously, the Lord has slowly changed my heart towards those things. Elizabeth George, and Janet (my pastor's wife), helped me to realize two things. 1)Washing the dishes and ironing Niall's shirts is being obedient to the Lord by fulfilling the role He has given to me. 2) By faithfully performing these acts I am serving and showing love to Niall.

Realizing those two things has completely changed my attitude! There is joy in knowing that you are obeying God and blessing your husband. I wonder sometimes how I can serve God and how I can best please Him, and this is such a simple and truly easy way if you really think about it. And when I go to my sink, piled high with the day's dishes, and think about honoring God and my husband, it makes me happy. And that joy carries me quickly and painlessly through the task at hand.

May the Lord grant you joy in the duties you dread to carry you through!

A Purpose Statement

It seems appropriate to begin a blog by stating a purpose for it. Hmm.

My name is Rachel and I am blessed to be the wife of Niall O'Neill. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and what a joy it has been :).

I love being a wife, and I love my home. Right now we have no children and it is necessary for me to work full-time, but I eagerly anticipate the day when I can leave the working world and retire to my home to raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

Because I work full-time, I have found it to be a struggle to pay the kind of attention to my home which I feel it needs and deserves. Praise God for my pastor's wife! After Niall and I had just celebrated our first full year of marriage, she invited me to do a study with her on Elizabeth George's book, A Woman After God's Own Heart. God graciously impressed upon my heart my need to strive diligently at making my home and husband first priority! Despite work, and exhaustion, and a busy modern schedule. For the last year and a half I have been laboring to make changes, becoming more faithful in my domestic duties and learning to delight in them. And my husband has noticed the difference :).

My purpose for this blog is to record the things I'm learning spiritually, and practically, as a wife and homemaker. This will help my own frail memory, and hopefully as an added bonus encourage other women who are seeking the same priorities of God first, husband second, and home third.

Happy homemaking!