On Preparing for Marriage

Today I am interrupting our usual Monday posting from Jonathan Edwards' Resolutions to participate with a group of lady bloggers, headed by Wholesome Womanhood. One of Carrie and Melinda's readers recently sent the following questions, and they thought it would be beneficial if  a handful of women with different perspectives answered. Be sure to check out the responses of the other participating bloggers!

The Question: How did you transition between singleness and marriage? Was it difficult? Were there some things about marriage that surprised you?

Marriage for Niall and I was a relatively smooth transition. By the grace of God, it was an extremely natural progression and the best next step in our relationship.

I don't say this to boast, nor do I say it to discourage women whose marriage transition proved to be more difficult. I say it because lots of people throw a negative spin on marriage, and would have every engaged couple believe that the first year is incredibly, almost unbearably, difficult. Dear single sisters, it doesn't have to be that way! 

Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful gift from God. I thoroughly enjoyed life as a newlywed! 

Now that I've gotten that out there, I will say this: each year has only gotten better. As much as I loved the first year, it was probably our worst, comparatively speaking :). I'm not saying that it was bad, the early days just weren't nearly as good as our marriage is now.

We immensely enjoyed being able to spend so much uninterrupted one-on-one time together. Setting up our own little home, developing daily routines and structure, and creating new traditions together was a blast!

One thing that did surprise me was the realization that divorce could be so easy. I'd always grieved and wondered how a couple's relationship could slide down to dissolution. While divorce still grieves me, I think I understand it a little more now. If you don't tend to the little things- little conflicts, little disagreements, little habits or actions that drive you nuts- they can build up and fester, becoming very ugly, very quickly. Open, gracious, loving and honest communication are vital. Choosing to forgive and to place your husband's needs before your own will free you from much grief and bitterness.

Another surprise was that I do actually struggle with submission! Silly me, what sinful human being doesn't? For about the first year I thought I had the submission thing down pat- I understood and agreed with it as the clear teaching of Scripture, and I let Niall make the big decisions... wasn't that all there was to it?

The Lord used a book study with my Pastor's Wife to show me how much work I desperately needed in this area! Submission is an attitude- a willing yielding of my own preferences and desires to those of my husband's. Oftentimes I want to manipulate a situation to go my way. Or I fuss, pout and fume {internally or externally, depending on the moment} when things don't go my way. The Lord is still sanctifying me in this area- aren't we all works in progress?

The final thing I'd like to say is that being committed to a local church where the Word of God is clearly and constantly preached, and where mature believers actively engage in your life {encouraging, exhorting, and correcting}, will be a huge game changer for your marriage. Niall and I have been immensely blessed, and seen great improvements in our marriage, as a direct result of our local church. It has been God's grace to us, I know we would not enjoy the relationship we have today without that precious group of believers!

How would you answer this reader's questions? 

What I've Learned From My Cross-Cultural Marriage

 

Perhaps I've mentioned it a few times before.... but did you know that I'm married to a foreigner? When I tell people that my husband is Irish, I get a lot of "oh, mine too" or "I am too!" from Americans of Irish heritage.

But my hubs is the real deal- got a green card in return for marrying me ;), toting an Irish passport, and named Niall (pronounced like the Egyptian river) O'Neill for Pete's sake. Irish!

While marrying someone who grew up on the opposite side of an ocean from you can be challenging, it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life so far.

Today at A Biblical Marriage I am talking all about my cross-cultural marriage- what the Lord has taught me through it, and how He is using it to conform me into His image.

Join me over there and give it a read? Thanks!

4 Things I've Learned From My Cross-Cultural Marriage....

Blessing Your Husband This Christmas

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I am extremely excited today, because my first post as a monthly contributor for A Biblical Marriage has gone live ;)! Pop on over to this new and wonderful resource for couples seeking to form Christ-centered unions and check it out, if you haven't already!

Today I'm talking about ways you can bless your spouse at this busy (yet wonderful) time of year. Things like planning ahead, keeping things simple, and choosing contentment... you'll have to click on over here to read the rest.

You also might be interested to know that A Biblical Marriage is giving away a free ebook, 25 Days to Christmas: Family Oriented Ways to Focus on Christ to all email subscribers.

Head on over to check it out!

What special things do you do to encourage your husband around the holidays?

A Monumental Day

Pre-Wedding Festivities

On June 25th four years ago, I was only three days away from getting married. My parents were in town, and we were hustling and bustling with wedding stress and joy. 

On June 25th three years ago, our first baby was due. We had found out the following December that they wouldn't be coming after all. It was a day of mourning and remembering our first major loss as a couple.

On June 25th two years ago, I cried in the car for the baby I never got to meet, who would have been almost one. My Niall gently reminded me that June is also a month of joy, and that I didn't need to cry every year on June 25th out of some bizarre mother guilt. I wondered if and when we would ever be parents.

Goofy Anniversary Fun

On June 25th one year ago, it was a typical Saturday morning. I exercised and cleaned and grocery shopped, looking forward to celebrating our anniversary later that evening with Niall. Instead I ended up checking into our hospital's labor and delivery ward when my mucus plug fell out at only 24 weeks.

We almost delivered S that night, we stared the possibility of losing baby #2 right in the face. The Lord chose life over death this time, and we are thankful, oh so very thankful, for the precious gift of S.

Hanging out on Bed Rest

Today I am thankful and rejoicing (despite the rain and thunderstorms) as I remember the June 25th's of years gone by.

I am thankful for (almost!) four years of joyful marriage, and love that gets sweeter and deeper as time unfolds.

I am thankful for the hard and painful times He has brought us through as a couple. I'm thankful that they didn't break us, but only drew us closer to each other and Him.

I am thankful that I am not in the hospital, suffocated by dry air, riddled with needle holes and hooked up to multitudes of monitors and I.V. drips. That I am free to enjoy summer this year- with walks in the sunshine, glasses of homemade iced tea, and flip flop tan lines on my feet.

I'm thankful that S is here to enjoy it with me- healthy, happy, a bundle of blessing and joy. Her NICU days a distant and blurry memory.

At Church (One of S's First Sundays!) with Niall's Folks

June 25th hasn't been an easy day in years past. But today it is sweet, and I am counting a multitude of blessings bestowed on us by the Giver of all good things.

Choose Your Love, Love Your Choice

As a little girl I remember my father's wise counsel concerning marriage.

"Choose your love, and love your choice."

While you are single, you have a choice. Choose wisely.

Find a man that you can respect and submit to joyfully. A man of character, who works hard, is committed to Christ and His church, and treats you lovingly, gently, and respectfully. A man whose friends you like, and who likes your friends (marriage is the closest friendship, and if you don't see eye-to-eye hear, it is a big red flag).

If you are married, you've made your choice.

As a kid it was always comforting when my parents assured me that divorce simply wasn't an option for them. They had covenanted with each other before God, so even though they might argue or have a season of difficulty, they were in it for the long haul.

One of the things that surprised me when I got married was how easy divorce could be. My husband is wonderful and I love him immensely, but it is all too easy to let little things get under your skin. Little quarrels left unresolved build big chasms. It can be very easy to coexist, just living together, too busy and distracted to invest in one another.

It happens all the time. Resentments are fostered. Quality together time is neglected. Weeds of disinterest and bitterness grow up, spoiling the joy and order of the marriage garden.

Today I want to encourage you to LOVE your choice.

Purpose to show him love. To thank him for the good he does. To focus on counting rights, not wrongs.

Every day I try to write out ten blessings- things I am thankful to God for. I think of things I am learning from the Word of God, the beautiful glimpses of nature I get from my window, physical and material gifts, things I appreciate about my daughter.

And every day, to foster love for my choice, I am purposing to think of one thing about Niall that I am thankful for. Whether it is something nice he did, a virtue he possesses that I admire, or something sweet that we've enjoyed as a couple.

Just to remind myself of why he was my choice. And to choose to love him today.

How are you loving your Choice today? 

Love Notes in Lunches and Dresses at Dinner

Last week I started doing something new.

Something to remind my husband that I love him, think about him, pray for him, and am thankful for him.

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I sat down on Sunday night with 5 little slips of paper. On each one I wrote out a little note; some with a verse, some with silly drawings, some with a few words meant only for him.

Then each morning when I made his lunch before he went to work, I would tuck it in between the plastic containers of salad and leftovers. A little surprise to add joy to his day.

And he liked it :). Because some days at work are long or tiring or difficult, and its nice to get a reminder that someone who loves you is waiting at the other end of your day.

Then on Thursday night I decided to dress up a little, just to surprise him when he walked in the door. I donned a sundress and heels, lit a candle, and made sure that dinner was ready to go as soon as he arrived.

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I was rewarded with a big grin.

He works so hard, and I am trying to be more thoughtful and intentional about showing him love. Because you only get one husband girls, and one short life to enjoy together.


How are you intentionally loving your husband this week?

Love Doesn't Keep Count

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It is nearly the end of February, the month in which culturally we celebrate romantic love. I've enjoyed writing about "close knit" marriages, but before we completely move on to other things, I wanted to write about one more thing. It is heavy on my mind because I struggle with it daily... Love doesn't keep count.

As kids, my dad was often frustrated with my siblings and I, justly so, for keeping count. "Why doesn't she have to do this chore too?" A whining voice. "I've been working longer and harder!" The ugly glare. "It is so unfair!" Continue the grumblings.

Why didn't I learn the lesson from him, so patiently taught, way back then? "In a family we don't keep count. Everyone has their share, and while it may seem they are doing less now, it is probably not true. We each have different responsibilities. Worry about yourself." All I can say is that I am selfish. Knowing that we all have selfish sin natures, I am confident that this isn't just me.

This is how keeping count might sound among "grown-ups." "I've already changed 5 diapers today. Do you think you can handle this one?!?" Tension rising. "This baby has been fussy all day, and I can't take it anymore! Your turn to be the parent!" Frustration erupting. "I work hard, long hours all day, and when I get home I think I deserve a little peace and quiet." Whining isn't a habit exclusive to children.

When we keep careful, calculated track on what our husband has or hasn't done, building a thick wall brick by brick of animosity, we are far from loving him. Usually our cases are skewed. While we may notice that we are the only one handling a cranky child, or the hundredth diaper of the day, we blindly block out the far more balanced reality.

The truth is my husband works incredibly hard each day. Every morning he rises early to seek the Lord's face, then he leads his family in devotions. He goes out into a dark and sin-wrecked work place, battling the world, the flesh and the devil with little to encourage him. He cares for all things car related, makes sure the gas tank is always full for me, and fixes things around the house. Finances are a constant burden on his already heavy load, as he is strongly committed to me staying home with our daughter, even though it's far from the easiest choice.

I'd like to suggest that if you're keeping accounts, your perspective might be a bit colored too. What if instead of keeping tallies of wrongs, we made tallies of rights? What if we sought to thank and praise our husband for all of the things he does do? What if we made a conscientious decision to stop taking out our personal frustrations on the man who means most to us?

Because that's what keeping count is in the end, isn't it? Our frustrations in life leading us to vent and carry out our anger on someone else, whomever may be closest. It isn't fair to your husband, and it certainly isn't honoring to the Lord.

May God give us grace to love like He loves us, with longsuffering tenderness and compassionate forgiveness.

 "Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (The Message)

Do I Love My Husband?

All of this writing and talking and thinking about love and marriage has birthed a question in my mind: Do I love my husband?

Certainly I love him; I married him, I enjoy him, I love who he is and just being with him. But if love is an action word, how am I doing at loving him in the nitty-gritty aspects of our life?

In the quiet of my mind I looked up hesitantly at this giant of a question.  Embarrassed, unsure if I really wanted to examine... and the answer stared back down at me. I am still so selfish, so very unloving.

Timeliness matters to my husband, starting family devotions right at eight. I know this... but I still selfishly try to cram as much as I can get done into the last few minutes and always cause us to start late. I'm not loving him.

My husband is encouraged to faithfulness in early morning devotions when I get up at the same time as him. Yet each day this week I've snuggled deeper under the covers, letting him face the cold early hour alone, fighting sleepiness more bravely than I. I've lingered where he wants to linger and rushed out of bed at the last possible minute, adding stress to both of our mornings. I haven't loved him.

When the little thought nagged me from the back of my head that I should take care of something he normally does just to lighten his load, I suppressed it and went back to what I wanted to do.  I've listened and let the baby fuss, waiting for him to put down his work so that I didn't have to put down mine. I've failed to prioritize the things he's asked me to prioritize. This is not love.

I've nagged and complained and dumped, adding burdens to the back already weighed down with family cares.

This week I am forcing myself to stop pushing the little voice down, and to actually listen and act on its instructions. To be ready and waiting a few minutes before eight each night. To rise with him when the alarm goes off (for Pete's sake, I can get back in bed for a nap later, unlike him!). To willingly and joyfully put his needs and desires first.

It is hard, because I am selfish and love self more than I love him.

So I must ask you dear reader,

Do you love your husband?

Linked Up With: Proverbs 31 Thursday and Hearts 4 Home.

Close Knit Couples Have Fun

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As we've covered the different elements of a close knit marriage; local church involvement, reading, prayer, communication, and filling Biblical roles; I would be remiss if I failed to mention this important point: close knit couples have fun together.

In all of your labors both physical and spiritual, make sure to incorporate times for relaxation and fun. Play games, watch movies, go for a walk, get out to eat, see a play, laugh together. Share that amusing YouTube video that you found today with your husband. Incorporate fun traditions into your family life that you both relish celebrating together. Do something out of the ordinary like hitting up a local carnival, or visiting a random museum or tourist attraction.

In our house we CELEBRATE the weekends!!! Friday mornings I try to make something fun and extra delicious for breakfast. When Niall comes home from work that night it is time for homemade pizza and a movie. On snow days we like to stay in our pajamas and have cinnamon rolls and drink tea in bed.

The first year after we got married Niall and I performed in our community's Shakespeare in the park together. It was a big time commitment and kept us super busy, but it was fun because we were doing something we  both loved together.

What interests do you and your husband share? How can you invest in these interests together? Be creative and find ways to have a good time together!

Are there things that your husband enjoys which are not your cup of tea? Muster up your best attitude and watch that football game with him, or go fishing, or whatever. My husband is obsessed with shooting. I did once venture to the range with him to give his pistol a try. It wasn't my favorite thing to do, and to my chagrin I must confess that I haven't gone since. *Honey, I know you are reading this, so please try to contain your excitement and refrain from rubbing it in :)* As a loving wife I need to get out there with him again and learn to enjoy the things that he enjoys with him.

Which of your husbands interests appeal to you least? And how can you participate in them with a cheerful attitude?

So now I am curious to hear from you. How do you and your husband have a good time together? Please share :)!   

Linked Up With: Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers, and Encourage One Another.                                                                          

Close Knit Couples Fill their Roles

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"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her by the washing of water with the word...in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies...However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:22-33.

The first wife ever created was Eve, and the purpose for which she was created was to be a helper to her husband, a companion, because it was not good for man to be alone. Part of the curse that resulted from the fall of man into sin was that the wife would desire to usurp and manipulate her husband and his authority. I am sorry to say that every woman ever since Eve has struggled with God's command to submit.

God has specifically called YOU to be the wife of your husband. We read in Proverbs 12:4 that "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband," while quarrelsome and nagging wives bring shame, strife and misery (it is better to live in a desert or the corner of a house top than with a nag). You and only you can be your husband's wife, you alone are equipped to bless him by excelling in this area. You must fill your role.

What is the role of a godly wife?

1) A godly wife submits. As seen in Ephesians 5, and also 1 Peter 3, God has called women to submit (obey, follow, respect) to their husbands. This is SO hard. Maybe you don't think you struggle with this. But you do. I didn't even think about submission my first year of marriage. "Sure, I submit to Niall," I thought. "I usually agree with him and we get along okay." But I harbored ungodly attitudes of wanting things my way, and thinking that my thoughts and ideas were superior. When my husband made a decision for our family, inwardly I rebelled. This is still a daily struggle. How is your attitude? I love what Elizabeth George says; at all times we are either yielding or bucking. Are you gracious and submissive in your heart of hearts? Your words? Your actions?

2) A godly wife respects. This is another tricky area that you might think you have down. I dare you to follow the advice of Mark and Grace Driscoll, and ask your husband, "Am I respectful to you?" Sometimes we disrespect our husband with our speech. Telling your friends about what stupid or frustrating thing he did, or what he does that bothers you, is disrespectful. Behaving rudely and correcting harshly or unnecessarily is disrespectful. If you wouldn't treat your pastor, or your boss, or a professor in this way, then you certainly should not treat the most important man in your life this way either.

3) A godly wife helps. Again I must share Elizabeth George's wisdom with you :). At all times you are either being a help or a hindrance to your husband. As you go about your day making choices concerning what you will do, how you will respond, ask yourself, "Will this help or hinder my husband?"

It's a tough calling. Loving, submitting to, respecting and helping one sinful man as a sinful woman is no simple task. Praise God, we have an excellent example of submission who equips us for our calling! Christ "became obedient, even to death on a cross," out of love for us and in submission to His Father. As you strive for submission to your husband in your own life, look to Christ and be encouraged. And fill your role.

Linked Up With: Titus 2sday, Teach Me Tuesday, and Gratituesday. 

Close Knit Couples Communicate

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 Whatever book you pick up on marriage, whatever marriage conference or retreat you attend, whoever you seek for marriage counsel- one key topic is bound to come up: communication. Communication (or the lack of it) can make you or break you as a couple. Nothing has the potential to affect your relationship with your spouse as much as the words you do or do not say to each other. While I am no expert on the topic and this list is not comprehensive, here are some things to keep in mind as you communicate with your honey:

• Time- Having good conversations and keeping open lines of communication takes time. Lots of it! Take time throughout your day to speak with each other; at the breakfast table, calls and texts sprinkled through the day when you are apart, at dinner, and in bed at the end of the day. And make sure to set aside times in the evenings and weekends to get out or stay in together, for the purpose of communicating, enjoying one anothers' company, and getting on the same page.

• Timeliness-Knowing when to say things is of the utmost importance in healthy communication. For example, last week when Niall came home after work and was discouraged about something that had happened that day, it was not a good time for me to knit pick him for not hearing something I'd just said. Yeah, timeliness is not my strong suit. I've heard several women say that when your husband comes home, give him time and space to unwind before you start yacking away. It is tempting when you're alone with little people who don't speak proper English all day to just unload on the one adult in your life when he walks through the door. But be patient. Also, read his moods. If he is already down, don't add to his burdens by unloading your grievances.

• Tenderness- "A soft answer turns away wrath," goes the Proverb, and it is very true. This is another difficult area for me. I have a sharp tongue. I am quick to get frustrated and speak unkindly. A passage that has been convicting to me recently is Ephesians 4:1-3; "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Good communication words; humility, gentleness, patience, love, unity, peace. Soak it in to your speech.

• Truth- God's Word teaches us to "speak the truth in love." This should go without saying, but we MUST be HONEST with our husbands (no secrets). We also must be careful to kindly address sin we observe in our spouse (don't forget timeliness and tenderness when so doing!), and graciously and respectfully explain frustrations we may feel (not letting them build, causing bitterness or an explosion). Note, all in love.

• Thoroughness- As married couples we need to discuss everything; finances, church, our days, work, parenting, extended family and friendships, the car, Scripture, what we're reading, etc. Cover all the bases with the man in your life. You should know what he thinks on all important topics (and on a lot of the less important things too). Healthy friendship and marriage thrives on broad and deep conversation. 

What tips do you have to add to the list, married ladies? Bonus points if they start with a "T" ;). 

The Story of Niall and I

 Today I thought I'd take another brief respite from our Close Knit Marriage series and share the story of how my husband and I met and ended up married :). It is the month in which we celebrate romantic love after all.

In the fall of 2006, I transferred from a small Bible school in New York state to Baptist Bible College of Clark Summit, PA. It was my junior year. I knew a handful of people that attended BBC, which helped me to feel a little less awkward about being the new kid. I auditioned for a small choral group in the first few days after my arrival, and was thrilled to be accepted.

 The first day of choir practice I nervously found my way to the basement of "Buckingham" (the music building). I was the third person to arrive. As people slowly filtered in, one young man attempted to get my attention. "Are you Vandalen?" He asked.

This will forever embarrass me.  Because Niall has a stray eye, and because I had no idea what "Vandalen" meant, I did not know that he was talking to me. It took me a minute to realize it was in fact me that he was addressing, and all I could offer back was a confused,"What?' and wary look. Turns out the sister of his R.D was a member of the choir, and their last name was Vandalen. But I digress.

As the practice began and introductions were made, someone elbowed Niall and obnoxiously said, "Tell everyone where you're from!" He made a face and responded, "Jamaica!" Everyone laughed.

"Hmm," I thought. "I've never seen a red-headed Jamaican. Maybe he was an MK?" Silly gullible me. Niall happens to be a big joker, and to this day can pull the wool over my eyes with very little trouble. In reality Niall is from Ireland, but he hated being singled out for this fact and just wanted to blend in. This means that my Irish husband sounds very American, and you would never know he was foreign, because he hates the attention and silly questions people ask when they find out where he is from. Again I digress.

 As I went about my business of attending chapels and meals and classes over the course of the next few weeks, I noticed that Niall and I had a lot of common friends. Or so I thought... there I go being naive again. Everywhere I went, he was there, or showed up shortly after. A lot of my guy friends were in the same dorm as him though, so I thought nothing of it.

I also noticed that I really enjoyed Niall's company. Oftentimes after dinner a group of us would stay at the table, drinking tea (a favorite pastime for both of us) and having lively discussions on everything from theology to politics to music. Niall had firm convictions, and was not afraid to share them, even when those convictions made him unpopular. I admired his boldness, and was greatly challenged in my thinking.

Not long after this I began to realize that Niall showing up everywhere I was might be an indicator of greater interest than what I'd initially assumed. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but he was a great guy and I did enjoy his company. One Sunday afternoon as we sat by the pond (famous on campus as a "couple" spot) he expressed interest in getting to know me better. And then we began the several month period of acting like a couple but denying the fact that we were dating :). To the great amusement and annoyance of all of our friends.

In January Niall officially called my Father and asked permission to date me. To clarify, I know a lot of people get hung up on the word "dating" and prefer "courtship." Personally, I don't care what you call it, as long as you are honoring the Lord in your relationship. Neither of us had a car, so if we went off campus it was always in a group. On campus students weren't allowed to touch members of the opposite sex, so we basically spent a lot of time walking and talking. This was great as it allowed us to focus on the essentials, and not just physical contact. We were able to discuss what we believed and why, on theology, parenting, the Church, marriage, and life in general.

After a rough patch in the late summer of 07, Niall realized that he did want to marry me after all :). He proposed that fall, and in June 2008 we married, a month after graduating college.

Lessons I learned from this experience? True love is not an emotional high of romantic feeling. How did I know that Niall was the one? Whenever I wondered, I would assess on paper his character, and the things that made us compatible. I found that he loved God and wanted to serve Him, was growing in his relationship to the Lord, and that we were in agreement theologically. He was a hard worker (very important to me as I wanted a man who would faithfully provide for his family) and was spoken well of by those who he worked for and who knew him best. He loved his family and had good relationships with them. They liked me for Niall, and I liked them for in-laws. I got along great with his friends, and he got along great with mine, which indicated that we could be good friends (and we were!). We agreed upon what was important in a church and attended the same one together regularly. I wanted to be a stay at home mom who nurtured her children and husband, and he highly valued this desire of mine. In short, it was a logical decision based on righteous priorities. And marriage has been wonderful for us because of the solid foundation we began on.

Close Knit Couples Pray Together

Photo By Kevin Rawlings

 I’m sure you’ve heard the clichés before; “A couple that prays together stays together.” “It is hard to stay mad at someone you are praying for.” And so they go. When my husband met Ian Paisley (the controversial preacher and politician of Northern Ireland) a few months before our wedding, he asked the Reverend for marital advice. His top piece of wisdom? “Every morning when you get out of bed, get down on your knees and pray with your wife, and let the first words that your eyes see be the Word of God.” Although we may not agree with Mr. Paisley on everything, that is some pretty excellent advice.

If the Bible commands us to “pray without ceasing,” “in every place,” and assures us that where two or three are gathered, Christ is in the midst of us, don’t you think our Heavenly Father envisioned husbands and wives praying together? The clichés I referenced have become clichés with good reason, and deserve our earnest application, because they are true. Here are some of the benefits of praying as a couple:

    1. Prayer opens communication- Niall and I have found that as we spend time in prayer together (each morning and evening), we spend more time just chatting with each other before and after. Some of our best conversations come after times of prayer. If we’ve prayed and gotten our hearts right with the Lord, we are free to communicate honestly, humbly and lovingly with one another. 

  2. Prayer makes us vulnerable- When you speak to God, you are baring your heart, soul and mind to the Creator who sees and knows all. Sitting with our spouse as they do this and we do eliminates barriers that might exist in regular speaking with each other. Being vulnerable and open with your spouse is essential to building trust and affection. 

    3. Prayer is a reflection of what is in our heart of hearts- This builds on point two. Are you wondering what’s on your husband’s mind? Pray with him and find out, as you listen to him sharing it with the Lord. Do you wish he had a window into your soul? Again, prayer can be that window for your husband.

4. Prayer unites us to God and each other- As we seek the Lord, we are drawing near to Him. If two people are drawing near to God, they are simultaneously drawing nearer to one another as well. 

    5. Prayer focuses our priorities- Our relationship with God must always be our first priority in life. When we put the Lord first as a couple by setting apart specific time for prayer together, we are saying that God matters the most in our marriage. The Lord will honor a couple who makes this commitment. 

  

6. Prayer sanctifies us- Have you ever allowed your sin to cloud your relationship with God throughout the day? I am ashamed to admit this is the case with me all too often. When I sit down with Niall at the end of the day for prayer, many times I’ve said, “Honey, why don’t just you pray tonight.” This really means, “Honey, I’m not right with the Lord and don’t think I can talk to Him right now.” Fortunately my husband is wise enough to understand. His gentle prodding helps me to repent and restore my relationship to the Lord through audible prayer. The Lord has used my husband as a tool for sanctification in my life through prayer. 

I urge you to commit to praying with your husband daily! Just see if it doesn’t draw you closer to your husband and closer to the Lord.

“You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, Lord, do I seek.’”

Linked Up With: Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers, Wise Woman, and Encourage One Another.

Close Knit Couples Read Together

Photo by Nina Matthews

Some of my favorite memories over the three and a half years Niall and I have been married include times of reading together. I remember during our honeymoon sitting out on the deck under Florida sun reading Henry James’ The Portrait of a Lady. In the summer we love to sit on our own porch after dinner and listen to a tale of Sherlock Holmes or science fiction (his favorite, not mine :D), and winter finds us doing the same inside, curled up on the couch, cups of tea in hand (usually chocolate is also involved). We read The Hobbit on a road trip, and lately Julia Child’s My Life in France has been our great enjoyment (caution: do not read when hungry!). Most evenings right before bed Niall reads a chapter or two of Scripture out loud.

So what? You might think. What if reading isn’t everybody’s thing? You may have a point. But I have several good reasons why you ought to at least consider reading together as a couple. 

1) Reading can be a more wholesome form of entertainment then just sitting in front of the tv. Think about it; reading requires active thinking, while watching tv is passive. Reading fosters thoughtful communication, while watching tv does not (interrupting a show to say something usually causes annoyance to other people watching). Reading entertains while educating, and although some shows may do the same, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most of the time what you watch is simply entertaining. Not necessarily a bad thing (right now we look forward to watching “Downton Abbey” on Friday nights), but for your regular unwinding times, maybe you’d like to invest it in something of greater value. We often feel guilty over time wasted when we’ve just plopped in front of the television, but have NEVER felt that way after opening a book together!

2) Reading encourages thoughtful discussions. In the course of your reading, often you will come across ideas or thoughts that you might not have considered left to your own devices. How wonderful to chat with your husband about these things! You might be surprised at things you learn about him, and you might be challenged to think differently in certain areas. Reading will broaden the topics you discuss, and will encourage even more open conversation after you put the book down. 

3) Reading gets you on the same wave length. It is very easy to wind up just co-existing with your spouse. Life is busy, and each one of you has different responsibilities to take care of, and different ways of relaxing and unwinding. There was a good chunk of time in our early marriage when Niall would be in one room on the computer, and I would be in another room working on something else, reading, or just on another computer. What a shame! How can you really connect with a roommate you aren’t spending significant time with? When you read together, you are leaving your separate interests and getting on the same page, and hopefully talking more (see number two).

These are a couple of reasons why you and your husband might benefit from the lost art of reading J. Maybe you’re sold on the idea, but don’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions:

-If nothing else, make sure that you are at least reading Scripture together! God’s Word is of the utmost importance, and being on the same page where Scripture is concerned is one of the most important factors in your marriage. 

-Don’t feel overwhelmed or pressured to finish what you start. Niall and I have started many many books together, and rarely finished one. That is okay! The time spent while we were reading was beneficial, and if we move on to something else of greater interest before finishing, what does it really matter? For example, I loved reading Sherlock Holmes together, but Niall found it hard to concentrate on when hearing it out loud. So we chose something else. Make sure that what you are reading is fun for everyone, the goal of this is not to add one more stressor to your already hectic life. 

-Incorporate reading into activities you already have to do. I know of one couple that while the wife is washing dishes after dinner, the husband reads to her. How sweet J! When Niall and I drove to work together, oftentimes I would read a daily devotional reading from Voices from the Past. Be creative! 

-Read snippets of interest to one another from books you are reading individually. If you are each already reading on your own, share things that pop out to you with the other person. This is another way to get on the same page and have good discussions. 

May you enjoy the richness of reading together, and may it bless your marriage! 

Linked Up With: Better Mom and Teach Me Tuesday

A Close Knit Couple is Joined to their Local Church

Photo Via

 One of the books I am reading this month is Mark and Grace Driscoll's new release, Real Marriage. In God's providence, yesterday I was reading the third chapter "Men and Marriage." Imagine my delight when I came across this line, "While there is no silver bullet to ensure all goes well in marriage, the following things make a difference: get involved in a good church..." He goes on to list "agree on what the Bible says, and worship together at home." I was so excited to stumble upon this as I was preparing a post on the importance of church involvement in your marriage.

Pastor Driscoll goes on to share statistics showing that couples who regularly attend church together tend to have a significantly lower divorce rate, and healthier and more fulfilling marriages. While this is very good news, it shouldn't surprise us. God has designed marriage, and He commands us to regularly attend our local church (Hebrews 10:25 "not neglecting to meet together"). When we obey God, we can expect His blessings. If a couple does marriage God's way (note: this takes both a husband and wife's cooperation and commitment), their marriage will work (glorifying God, accomplishing sanctification in each one's life, and bringing joy).

My husband and I have definitely reaped the rewards of committed membership in a solid, Bible teaching church. When we were first married we belonged to a church we'd attended in college. About six months in to married life, some changes occured (both in the church and our hearts), and it became clear that the Lord was moving us on. We were blessed to find a church that we could agree with theologically, and that was truly centered on Scripture, with a Pastor who boldly proclaimed God's Word from the pulpit, and gently shepherded his flock behind the scenes.

The Lord used His Word to grab the hearts of Niall and I in a powerful way. Each Sunday after service on the way home we could be found confessing our sins against one another and asking for forgiveness. We were encouraged to strive after godliness. With two services each Sunday (morning and evening) we were starting each week feeling truly fed and spiritually full. If you haven't experienced this, pray for God to send you to such a church! It will make a world of difference in your heart, and the hearts of your family members.

Here are some of the benefits of being joined to a solid, local church body:

*Hearing God's Word Preached- we need to hear the Word preached. How can we obey God without hearing and being reminded of what He says? God uses Scripture (as He did in Niall and me) to convict us of sin, bring us to repentance, and grow us in righteousness.

*Accountability- It's a joke among the women of our church that our husbands have to treat us right, or else the elders would discipline them :). All joking aside, if a godly pastor and caring believers are lovingly involved in your life, it can help to keep you on the straight and narrow.

*Fellowship- Good friendships with godly men and women not only help to keep you from sin, they also encourage you to do good and to continue zealously pursuing God and your spouse.

I hope that you are convinced! God didn't design Christians to walk solo, nor did He intend Christian couples to alienate themselves from other Christians. The Church is God's plan for His people, and your marriage will greatly benefit from obedience to Him in this area!

Linked Up With: Proverbs 31 Thursday, Thought Provoking Thursday, and Hearts for Home

Cultivating a Close Knit Marriage: Series Introduction

Photo by Josh Ruud

 In honor of Valentine's Day, this month I thought I would focus my posts on making the most of your marriage. God has called all married couples to become "one flesh," and unity and togetherness aren't instantaneous, nor do they come without great work and effort. If we are to have God glorifying marriages that magnify Christ's relationship to His Church, we must daily center our marriages on obedience to His Word.

I am no marriage expert, and God only knows what a long way Niall and I have to go in this department. By God's grace this will be a life long endeavor. And by His grace already at work in our lives we have seen much growth and fruit in our three and a half years. With that growth has come the sweetest delight and joy. My desire is to share the things we have learned and are currently learning and working on with you. ALL married women, please share your words of wisdom in the comments, there is so much we can learn from one another!

How can we cultivate close-knit marriages in a world that hates God, His Church, and the family? You don't have to look hard to see the havoc being wrecked by the enemy on marriages. Sadly, even and especially Christian marriages. That's what we will be looking at in this series! Come along with me as I explore ways the Christian couple can grow in grace together.

Up tomorrow: The Close-Knit Couple is Joined to their Local Church Body!

Linked Up With: Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers, Wifey Wednesday, Encourage One Another and Wise Woman 

Other posts in this series:
The Close Knit Couple is Joined to Their Local Church
The Close Knit Couple Reads Together
The Close Knit Couple Prays Together
The Close Knit Couple Communicates
The Close Knit Couple Fills Their Roles
The Close Knit Couple Has Fun