Monday, June 11, 2012

The Weight of Motherhood

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Her big, beautiful blue eyes look up into mine. In their depths I read total trust, dependance, awe, love, admiration. I am delighted, soaring the heights with the joy of knowing she loves with untainted, nothing-held-back, faith and devotion.

In the next moment my insides shrink back, paralyzed under the weight of her reliance in light of my own insufficiency. Oh, is this motherhood thing heavy.

She's thrown up again, an entire feed, right before bed. Her eyes are full of tears, mine are wide and searching for a clue, both of us coated in the smelly stuff.

"Honey, what should I do??? Feed her again? Or just put her to bed? Will she starve before morning?"

He shrugs. "I don't know- you know best."

Mother knows best.

Well, I sure don't. I am tired, my brain is fried, we've done this so many times...

Sometimes, I wish that someone who did know best would just tell me what to do. The exactly correct formula for feeding, burping, sleep training, nurturing, and raising a healthy, well-adjusted and happy child.

Until then, my poor little girl is stuck with the mom who doesn't know everything, makes her best guess (which is frequently wrong), and just hopes that this kid comes out in one piece.

The beautiful part of today is that when I mess up, she forgets, because five minutes is like 5 years in her baby world. And I'm her mama, the center of that world. Five minutes later, those same big blue trusting eyes are resting on me again.

Unfortunately, it is only going to get harder the older she gets. Instruction, discipline, education, rules... making the big decisions that help to form the woman she'll become.

And soon those eyes will gain more reserve, as she becomes sensible of my mistakes, sins, and shortcomings. Oh how I fear her growing up eyes.

So today I'm looking to the God who does know everything and always does best. The God who gave her to me and me to her, and called it good. And I'm asking Him to carry the weight of motherhood for me, because I just can't do it on my own.

And I'm loving her and pouring into her the best that I can, hoping that her grown-up eyes aren't so scary as I fear. That someday I'll look into them and read respect, love, and deeply rooted friendship.

Linked with: The Better Mom, Growing Home, and Mama Moments Mondays.

4 comments:

  1. Five minutes later, those same big blue trusting eyes are resting on me again.

    beautiful.


    i have the same thoughts and fears... and we share in His comfort. :)
    blessings from a new follower..
    Emily

    you will like this post..
    http://www.weakandloved.com/2011/08/what-i-have.html

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  2. PS I know this is not exactly ABOUT messes, but it is encouraging to read for any mom who is in the midst of the messes- you might want to link up over at my place today and encourage some other moms!

    http://www.weakandloved.com/2012/06/messy-mommy-jobs-5-and-link-up.html

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  3. Great insight. It's sometimes overwhelming being so relied upon by our little ones, but God gives us grace enough for every stage of the job. Thanks for sharing. I'd love you to share this post at my Monday Mom Musings link-up. Inspiring, Rachel.

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  4. She will see your sin. And I hope she hears you confess it and seek forgiveness from God and her. This to is mothering, teaching her that "she who covers her sin will not prosper but she who confesses ans forsakes it will find mercy.' She will learn as you did that she will have to forgive you 7 x 70 as you have forgiven me. Take courage. I know the blessing of big blue eyes that knowingly gaze into mine with love and respect. Thank you my sweet daughter. I love you!

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