Saturday, June 8, 2013

Overcoming Fear in Pregnancy {When Fears Are Realized}


It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining, S asleep in the back seat. My only care in the world was beating the construction traffic to make it to my appointment on time. Five minutes late, I stumbled into the waiting room, stroller in tow.

During the internal ultrasound I felt a little more discomfort than usual. The tech seemed to be pausing longer, taking more pictures, applying more pressure. It was different than previous checks.

The doctor came in, smiling, then cut to the chase. My cervix had shortened a full centimeter since my last check. It was a little early for it to be shortening, and though we weren't quite in the danger zone yet, she had reason to be concerned. I needed to take it as easy as possible over the weekend, and come back early next week for a recheck.

She also told me to line up child care plans, because hospitalized bed rest might be a real possibility.

By some miracle, I was able to maintain composure as I listened, nodded, asked questions... checked out at the desk, scheduled my appointment...

But as soon as I stepped out into the sun, such a delight only 30 minutes before, the tears started to burn and spill over. I packed up the stroller and buckled in the baby as my body started heaving with sobs from the bottom of this preemie mama's soul.

Again, Lord?

Painful memories and frightening possibilities flickered like film reel through my mind: Another micro preemie? The 28 weeker who died during our daughter's NICU stay. The friends who lost their son at 24 weeks because his lungs just weren't ready. Leaving my daughter for the discomforts of hospitalized bed rest? Magnesium sulphate pumping like sludge through my veins. Catheters. Another c-section? Once again having to forgo dreams of normal breastfeeding for the pump?

I couldn't allow myself to dwell on any of them. In the first place, who knew if any of them would even happen? Secondly, it was just too painful.

I believe God is sovereign. I believe He is good. And I believe He has a plan, set before the foundations of the world, for me and this pregnancy.

Despite all of this, I also know that sometimes the plan is hard. Sometimes life, while being very good, is also devastatingly painful. And while I was (and am) willing to walk with Him through that, there was still a deep level of grief to be reckoned with.

Since that day one month ago, we've had a few more scares, a few close calls, and more restrictions. Bed rest certainly wasn't a part of my ideal plan- but I am home, still pregnant, and thankful to see the many evidences of His kind Providence even from my couch. He has slowly prepared us for each step along the way, holding our hands, meeting each need, showing us so much grace.

A handful of Scriptures have been comforting me lately, but there is one in particular I'd like to share:

"Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me." Psalm 50:14-15

In this season, I am trying to...

Offer thanksgiving. Even when it is a sacrifice, and life is hard, I am trying to give thanks and be content, remembering His ABUNDANT goodness and loving kindness.

Perform my vows. Walking in obedience to His Word, resting in the calling He has placed on my life for today.

Call upon Him. Casting all of my anxieties on Him, because He cares for me.

Remembering that...

He will deliver me!

My Mom is in town to help while I'm on bed rest- celebrating 31 weeks!

And, He has given His people the unique and undeserved opportunity of glorifying Himself. All I have to do is call upon Him? And not only will He answer, He will allow me to glorify Him? This is precious, dear sisters.

So here I am, just waiting on the Lord... wondering what He has for me and my boy. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement- you are a blessing to me! And praise the LORD, tomorrow makes 32 weeks! I am so thankful for the way He has sustained this pregnancy thus far <3.

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