He is Good, No Matter What

This post was written over three years ago and somehow got buried in a "drafts" folder. I just stumbled upon it, it resonated with me, and so here it is. S is now four years old, with a few eye problems that she might have had even if she wasn't born so prematurely. Thankful for His goodness, and want to continue to be so even when things don't go so smoothly...

When S came at 27 weeks, weighing 1 lb. 15 oz, oh how we prayed. Hundreds of Christians around the world got on their knees and brought our baby before the Lord. We prayed for her healthy growth, for weight gain, for no added complications.

He answered them. Mercifully, S got off light. At two days old she was off the ventilator and on the nasal cannula. She never contracted NEC, didn't show even the slight beginning stages of ROP, was free of bleeding on the brain. Her PDA closed on its own, and in fact she never required surgery for anything. If you're not a preemie parent, that was a lot of gobbeldy-gook that basically means she had the simplest and most straightforward outcome we could hope for.

The worst she walked away with was a Chronic Lung diagnosis and an at home oxygen tank, which she came off of at 4 months old. Doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment gave only positive feedback. The neurologist who saw her at 6 months told me how lucky we were, that for being born 13 and a half weeks early, she is perfect. And I told him the glory goes to God.

People told me they were praying. I shared how S was improving, and they exclaimed, "God is so good!" And He is. He definitely is. I am so very thankful for my daughter's health and well-being.

But it is vitally important to me that God be called good whether S ended up healthy or not. If He chose to take her life, would we still praise Him as good? If she had suffered major complications that had affected her the rest of her life, would we still call Him good?

This was my number one concern. Because God is good whether my life circumstances are or not. God is good when we are healthy, and just as good when we are sick. God is good when the sun is shining, and just as good when it is dark and stormy.

His ways are higher than ours, and when things look a mess down here, from His view it is all working together for a far greater weight of glory.

Are you praising the all-good God today? Will you praise Him as good no matter what trial He places before you?

It Wasn't Love at First Sight

The first time I laid eyes on S

My daughter's birth story was not dreamily perfect, it was not all that I'd imagined. The hours of agony ending in perfect joy as a healthy bundle is handed to you. Oohing and aahing as you observe that she has Mommy's eyes, and Daddy's nose. Smiling for pretty pictures and enjoying nuzzling close. Staring into the sweet face you've imagined for the last nine months...

No, it wasn't love at first sight. It was bleary-eyed, drug-induced confusion. It was a numbing shock, a surreal experience of fear and sorrow. Something about this picture wasn't right.

I was put under for her birth by emergency c-section and didn't even see her until she was 3 hours old. Her tiny, 1 lb. 15 oz. body was buried beneath tubes and wires and a diaper far too big for her, it was covered in angry-red skin. Was this really my baby? How did I know? How was this possible?

 Thanks to Percocet I can hardly recall those first few days. Initially I didn't even mind leaving my daughter alone in the hospital- it had been so long since I'd been home and in my own bed. My body was sore and my mind a fog. I didn't feel like a mom and I was still reeling from this strange providence.

Love didn't come at first sight- no, it was a slow, creeping thing that crept like moss over my soul. It began at five days old when they first placed her on my bare chest and she cried when they took her off. It exploded out in giant tears the day her i.v had to be replaced- a helpless little baby screaming as the doctor stuck her, insensible to the why of her pain. We cried together, my hand on her head, and her cry left an indelible print on my heart.

Love grew stronger each night that I went home empty-armed, until I could hardly bear the pain of missing her. And finally, joy abounded the day, two months later, that I took my baby home.

In a fallen world life is not always ideal or what we'd expected. Things aren't always as easy or instant as we hoped. Love isn't perfect, but it did come and it is enough. I've found peace in embracing my difficult start as a mother, and I want you to know that it's okay to grieve the sweet moments you missed out on. Someday you will feel like a mommy. Allow the Lord to free you from guilt and disappointment, and embrace the gift He's given you, imperfections and all.

 

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Things I Wish I'd Known from the Get-Go in the NICU

Feeding S by syringe through her NG tube, day four in the NICU.

1. The Doctor's don't tell you everything right away, and that is probably a good thing. With so many possibilities of different outcomes and complications, it would be information overload if they tried to tell you everything you might need to know eventually at the beginning. Your first few days in the NICU are probably the most stressful of your life, would you really want to know all of the negative possibilities you could end up facing? Sometimes I felt angry or discouraged when a Doctor shared something that was happening with S that I hadn't seen coming. But looking back I appreciate that they saved things for a need to know basis. One day at a time. It was much less overwhelming.

2. Chronic Lung Disease is not as scary as it sounds. When they first mentioned it as a possibility for my daughter, I think I about had a heart attack. "My daughter has what?!?!?" But all it means is that your baby requires oxygen after 36 weeks gestation (adjusted age). Yes, your baby will have scar tissue in his lungs for the rest of his life. But the wonderful news is that the body keeps growing new lung tissue until age 2, so much so that the scar tissue becomes a non-issue. Will my kid have asthma? Maybe (after all I had it as a kid even without being born prematurely). However the diagnosis of Chronic Lung is by no means going to hurt her for life. Phew! Would have loved that info before having the heart attack ;).

3. Share your expectations with the staff very clearly. I will never forget the day that I came into the hospital later than my normal time, only to find out that a nurse had given my daughter her first ever bottle, something I had been longing for and waiting to do for weeks. It about broke my heart. S had done really well with it, but the joy over that fact was completely overshadowed by my disappointment at missing it. When you have a baby (especially your first) with a prolonged stay in the NICU, it is very hard to feel like a mommy. And those precious moments really make a difference for your heart! If I could go back I would have clearly, loudly, and often communicated my desire to be present for all major milestones. Let them know! Better to come across as slightly obnoxious then to miss out on those memories.

About Breastmilk.....

4. If you plan to pump milk for your baby as long as possible, buy a pump! We have been renting the hospital grade pump for five months now. With all the money we've tossed at it, we should have just bought a double electric pump ourselves. Although I have filed an insurance claim, I have yet to hear anything, and I am wishing I had something to show for all the money spent. Bonus: if you buy your own pump you have one for the next baby!

5. Your milk supply might not last forever. I had no concept of this. So many times when my milk supply was great I decided to be lazy and not pump as much as I should have. Oh, how I wish I could go back and pump like a fiend to fill my deep freezer!! Because my supply has been very up and down, and to this day I am not sure how long S will be able to have a strictly breastmilk diet.

6. Don't buy bags for your milk! One, they are expensive. Two, the hospital will continue to supply you with the plastic containers for free as long as you need! Three, sometimes milk bags leak when defrosting, and precious milk is wasted. Another way I could have saved a ton of money if I had only known.

I hope that these tips are helpful to you in your NICU experience! It would have been very helpful for me at any rate :).

Preserving NICU Memories

Although at the beginning of your NICU stay you may think you'll want to forget the entire thing ever happened, there will be things you do want to hang onto. Like just how tiny your little peanut was. And the moments in which you finally had that "AHA!" ray of light- "I AM a mother, and my baby knows me!" And how incredibly good the Lord was to you and your baby, the many ways He used His children to bless you. Yes, you will definitely want to remember these things! Here are some helpful ways that I've found to document my daughter's NICU stay:

-Photos. We took lots and lots of pictures! One of my favorite things we did was to take weekly shots of S next to a baby doll. . At first she and the doll were close to the same size. Now at nearly five months (two adjusted age) it fits right in her arms!

-Journaling. Within the week after my daughter's birth. my dear Pastor's wife gave me a beautiful journal that I felt was perfect for me and S. A lovely picture of a mother holding her daughter graced the cover. In it I began a journal to S, detailing the events surrounding her birth, and her time in the hospital. Since she has been home I've updated it from time to time with her milestones. I can't wait to give it to her someday :).

-Memento Box. Throughout S's hospital stay I collected various keepsakes; an xs preemie diaper, her stamped footprints from the day she was born, first hat, billy light goggles, and a tiny pacifier, among other things. Right now I just have them all in a wicker basket (as well as cards people gave us around the time of her birth), but someday soon I hope to get a pretty box to keep them in. I'll add her little preemie clothes too, and when she is a big girl and wants to know her story I will pull out the box and show her.

Because the truth is someday I will forget how tiny she really was, and I will want to see these things again and to remember the great faithfulness of the Lord, and just how precious my little girl was.

Parenting Lessons from the NICU

Having a hospitalized newborn is definitely a rough start to parenting. At the same time, my daughter's two months in the NICU was full of important life lessons for me as a parent. Here are a few things I learned:

1. Don't compare your child to other children. Everyone is different, and to compare is to place unfair expectations on my child, and to set myself up for disappointment. While S was in the NICU, I was busy studying other babies who came around the same weight and gestational age. When she didn't meet the same milestones at their pace, I was inevitably crushed. At the same time she beat some of them to other milestones. Every baby has different genetic and developmental variables. I need to focus on just my baby, one step at a time. When I stop comparing I free myself up to rejoice in the little improvements that she makes on her own perfect time table. Everyone is happier that way!

2. Don't be obsessed with numbers! Every NICU parent falls into the rut of staring at the monitor screen. What is my baby satting? How's her heart rate? Other numbers can also become an obsession- what she weighed today, how many ml she took at her last feed, etc. This can keep us as parents from just enjoying our babies. Let the numbers go! Study your baby for his important cues and you will learn better how to help and care for him. I suppose that someday this will apply to things like test scores :).

3. My child is in God's hands. This was probably the hardest one for me, and yet the most essential. Every night I had to say good-bye to my baby and leave her in the hands of practical strangers. Don't get me wrong- the nurses were fantastic, and we really grew to love a handful of them that we are still in touch with since S's release. But some were better than others, and some I didn't know as well. Some cared more and really invested as they would if it were their own family member. But for some of them it was just a job. And what if my little girl was left to cry on her own for a long time? Her voice was so little, and she was in a room all by herself. Or what if a life-changing decision had to be made, and the person in charge of her made the wrong choice? Or what if they were negligent and the impact effected my baby for the rest of her life? The scary scenarios were endless, and if I had continued to dwell on them I would have made myself crazy. Ultimately I had to realize that my child was in God's hands. He was in that hospital room with her, and He was working each event in it according to the counsel of His will. Even if something did go terribly wrong. Isn't this true at all times anyway? When your child is 2, 4, 10, and beyond. Even if you watch them like a hawk and do all that you can, sometimes kids get cancer. Or hit by a car. Or choke or run away or are kidnapped. It happens  all the time. And the only thing we can know for certain is that the LORD is with them, and nothing happens to them apart from His loving and perfect decree. We don't have any guarantees outside of that ever. All that we can do is entrust them to our Heavenly Father's care.    

4. Be flexible and go with the flow, don't come with expectations which you cannot control. The NICU has been called a roller coaster countless times by countless people. One day your baby is doing great and you feel elated, the next day is disastrous and you walk away heartbroken. The only way I found to take it in stride was to try to keep a blank slate every morning when I walked into S's room. No expectations, praying for grace and patience for whatever was ahead, rejoicing in the sweet things as they came along. This is a moment-by-moment battle. We can have victory only in clinging to the promises of God!                                                                                                                                                             
5. Do not worry about tomorrow. I guess this ties in with the last two. Don't entertain endless what-ifs, be in the present and trust the LORD with this moment. His mercies are new every morning, and He gives more grace, as you need it!

6. My hope is in God, not men or medicine. Another toughie, also ties in with the last three. Sometimes doctors would promise us things that didn't happen, and when S didn't meet their expectations we were hugely disappointed. Other times S exceeded their expectations. Ultimately it didn't matter what drug they used or decision they made- how S responded and what happened in her body was, again, in God's hands .It is very easy to trust in things we see, but we are called to rely on the One who is unseen. And we praise Him no matter what- when things go as we had hoped, or when all earthly hope is lost.                                                                                                                                                                                                          
I hope that these lessons will be a help to you as they were and still are to me. What important lessons have you learned as a parent?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Linked Up With: Titus 2sday                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

A New Purpose

My purpose in starting this blog was to share things I was learning in my role as a wife and homemaker, in hopes of blessing, encouraging and learning from other homemakers along the way.

Several months in, my life was completely changed by the premature birth of my daughter. Little S came 3 months early, at 27 weeks, weighing 1 lb. 15 oz. In many ways the experience was devastatingly painful, but as with all trials in the life of a Christian, it was also a valley of great learning and affirmation of the truths I hold dearest. God is still completely sovereign, He has a purpose in every circumstance He brings the Christian through, and He lovingly cares for His own.

One of the hardest aspects of my trial was the great feeling of loneliness- all of my close friends and family members had delivered healthy, full-term babies. Although I did meet several parents in similar circumstances during our time in the NICU, none of them were believers. And what true comfort can come apart from Christ? There was mutual sympathy and support, but no real soul-sharing comfort.

Since my daughter's homecoming, I've heard of two other families recently thrust into similar situations- friends of friends who I don't know- and my heart goes out to them. I know the pain, the fear, the uncertainties, and the roller-coaster nature of the NICU. I long to hug them, to cry with them, to comfort them with the comfort with which I have been comforted by God (2 Cor.1:4).

In a desire to offer resources to other believers who happen to also be parents of preemies, I will be using this blog as a platform for just that. I still intend to post wife, mommy, and home things, I'm just adding something new to the mix. Something that is very much a part of me since the Lord chose to bring it into my life. Eventually I hope to have a wealth of material designed to encourage and inform NICU mommies, including guest posts from other women who have been there, done that. Stay tuned...                 

Exciting News!!!

It has been a majorly exciting week in our home. Baby S achieved one giant milestone when the doctor said she could come off of the oxygen Tuesday evening!!! It has been glorious- kissing sweet baby cheeks with no tape on them for the first time ever. Seeing her whole face, just her face, with nothing on it. We've waited nearly four months for this, and it was well worth every moment.

Even better, my mom came from across the country on Wednesday to meet S for the first time. What a wonderful surprise for Grandma when the baby with nothing on her face was handed to her :). Precious moments.

So far S is doing great without the O2. She had been pulling that cannula out of her nose since she was about a week old, so I think she is happy to have one less annoyance in her life :). We are just praying for a healthy winter so she doesn't have to get back on it!

Updates: Surprising my husband went well! I did get to vacuum the whole house (a process that should be much easier from now on, since I can wear S without lugging an oxygen tank around too), and two shirts were ironed. It's a start. Niall appreciated my efforts.

November's goals are a struggle. As you can see I've been averaging about two posts a week instead of three. Walking and praying happen maybe twice a week. I am following 21 days to a more disciplined life on Crystal's blog at moneysavingmom. Let's face it, I need all the help I can get :/.

Here's to a good week of thanking God for our many blessings!! Woohoo, my baby is home free!!! :D

When God Hands You Plan B

 "The heart of a man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Early on in my two and a half weeks of hospitalized bed rest, my mom gave me a little notebook. On the cover it said, "Life is all about how you handle Plan B." Inside of it she wrote, "Dear Sweet Daughter, whether it's Plan B, C, D or Z it's ALWAYS God's Plan A that comes to pass." What a good reminder it was for me!

I never in a million years thought I would go into pre-term labor. I remember seeing "Know the Warning Signs of Pre-Term Labor" on a screen in my OB's office, and instantly dismissing it. "Won't be needing that," I presumed smugly. My mom had had 4 perfectly normal full-term pregnancies. I was young and in good health. It was my firm belief that I'd have to fight off the doctors from inducing me once I went beyond 40 weeks. Everyone goes late on their first, right? Ha ha. Not so.

On the fateful day that my mucus plug fell out, at only 24 weeks, things went from bad to worse. I went to the hospital and was initially told by a nurse that I'd be home in a few hours. Then after an internal ultrasound revealed a non-existent cervix the doctor said I'd be staying indefinitely, depending on what my body did. Two hours later the same doctor did a speculative exam and informed me that I was 3 cm dilated and my membranes were bulging. Eww. Translation: he could see my water sac dangling down, and it was in serious danger of breaking. Guess who wasn't going to be getting out of bed anytime soon? No more toilets, no more showers. Funny how the little things we take for granted become such a big deal when they're no longer available.

My "plans" just kept on changing. That night I started contracting, until they were only two minutes apart. I pleaded with the Lord on behalf of our daughter, barely on the brink of viability. "Lord, have mercy!" He gave me great peace, but it was a battle. The only thing that stopped my entire body from shaking was quoting scripture out loud. Then mercifully labor stopped around 2 am the following morning. And for two weeks my body cooperated. I planned on being on bed rest forever. I thought I would make it to at least 36 weeks. Ultimately I knew that God was in control and He would bring our baby when He deemed best, but I was hoping to keep her in as long as possible.

Then the contractions returned, and after three days of battling them with every drug in the book, my water broke. At the doctor's check I was 4 or 5 cm, and there was nothing more that could be done. She was coming. My Plan A had been to deliver as naturally as possible. Then my placenta started to tear and I was rushed for an emergency c-section. My introduction to breastfeeding was via a pump. My daughter spent her first two months of life in the NICU. I hoped and prayed that she would come home without oxygen, yet the Lord chose otherwise.

None of these events were my plans. I would not have chosen or asked for any of them. So how would I respond? Let me tell you, there were days in which I completely succumbed to my feelings of anxiety, disappointment, and self-pity. But God in His mercy graciously would bring me back to Himself, reminding me that His thoughts were not my thoughts, and His plans were not my plans. No, His are infinitely better! Even when we cannot see that. Thank God that He works all things according to the counsel of His will. Throughout our ordeal I was reminded time and time again that God has a purpose in EVERYTHING He brings me through. I was able to have joy despite the uncertainties and agonies of having a tiny little baby in the NICU. God does everything for our good and His glory. In moments like these this truth becomes less of a cliche and more of a solid reality.

Life is going to be full of Plan B's. Will we turn inward, becoming bitter and disillusioned, or will we look to the Lord and choose joy? "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes" (Ps. 119:71). "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life" (Ps. 119:50). "And we know that all things work together for good, to them that love the Lord and are the called according to his purpose" (Rom. 8:28).

God is faithful. After the most eventful months of my life so far, I can testify to it. He has been good. Praise His holy name!

She's Home!

Fast forward three months, and our life has changed dramatically again.

Our sweet daughter S has been home for just about a month and a half. After exactly two months in the NICU, with no out of the ordinary complications, we feel so blessed just to have her here with us. S came home on oxygen and an apnea monitor, but we are hoping she will be truly "wireless" within a few months :).

Adjusting to full-time parenthood is going well. We are exhausted, but what parent of a newborn isn't? In some ways I feel like I have finally "arrived," all I have ever wanted to do was to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't think it's hit me yet that I am really done working. I still feel like things are going to change again, this doesn't feel permanent yet.

We have so much to thank the Lord for. As I've been reading tons of books and blogs on preemies, I am finding out just all the possible things that could have gone wrong in little S's body...and yet in His Divine Providence didn't. Thank you Lord! She is absolutely beautiful, we are truly fearfully and wonderfully made.

Catching up

So it's been four months since my last post. And a wild four months it has been! When I started this blog I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy. Surprise! My due date was October 11th. Bigger surprise: I went into preterm labor at 24 weeks, was admitted to the hospital on strict bed rest, and delivered a baby girl by emergency c-section at 27 weeks on July 13th. Nowadays I am living at the NICU of our local hospital trying to help care for our micro preemie. Not what I had planned or could have foreseen, but the Lord ordained it, and by His grace our daughter is doing extremely well. Now that I am doing a lot of sitting around these days (pumping breast milk to feed her), I thought maybe I have time to blog again. So we'll see how it goes. Your prayers for our little girl are appreciated!

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                                                       Holding our little miracle, 4 days old