Just When I'd Almost Forgotten...

I'd almost forgotten that my daughter is different. That she came into the world in a crazy way, had a very rough start, that we didn't know how things would turn out or what to expect.... Almost.

Then yesterday, S had her nine month check up. "Hooray! Nine months!" I thought. "It's been so nice, maybe the doctor will even give us permission to take her out...."

No. My daughter is different. Her first Sunday at church will be in June, at eleven months old, when RSV is dead and gone for the year.

At nine months she weighs less than 14 pounds, and the doctor is concerned she's not catching up as quickly as she should. So we're due back in two weeks for yet another weight check.

Just when I thought we were done with those (we hadn't seen the doctor in three months). Just when I thought things were normal, and that my baby was perfect. 

She is- she is beautiful, and funny, sweet tempered and our delight. She just figured out how to pulls her toes into her mouth the other day, and she chuckles hysterically when we pretend to eat her tummy.

But when I hear that we're stuck at home for another two months, and that she isn't progressing as well as they want her to... I just feel like I've been punched in the gut. The joy deflates, I feel like a failure. I just want things to be perfect for her.

This morning I had to get back on my knees and confess. Ask the Lord's forgiveness for my ungrateful, distrusting spirit. For forgetting all of the things that could have gone wrong but didn't. For wanting things perfect and easy and normal, instead of His higher, better way.

"As for God, His ways are perfect, His understanding past searching out..."

"'For my ways are not your ways,' declares the LORD.'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours...'"

Yes, I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, God has been good to me. Yet sometimes it is a struggle to not be discouraged by life's fallen, imperfections.

I just wanted you to know that if you feel the same way too, you are not alone...

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5b

"Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits..." Psalm 103:2

"Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart." Psalm 73:1