Parenting Lessons from the NICU

Having a hospitalized newborn is definitely a rough start to parenting. At the same time, my daughter's two months in the NICU was full of important life lessons for me as a parent. Here are a few things I learned:

1. Don't compare your child to other children. Everyone is different, and to compare is to place unfair expectations on my child, and to set myself up for disappointment. While S was in the NICU, I was busy studying other babies who came around the same weight and gestational age. When she didn't meet the same milestones at their pace, I was inevitably crushed. At the same time she beat some of them to other milestones. Every baby has different genetic and developmental variables. I need to focus on just my baby, one step at a time. When I stop comparing I free myself up to rejoice in the little improvements that she makes on her own perfect time table. Everyone is happier that way!

2. Don't be obsessed with numbers! Every NICU parent falls into the rut of staring at the monitor screen. What is my baby satting? How's her heart rate? Other numbers can also become an obsession- what she weighed today, how many ml she took at her last feed, etc. This can keep us as parents from just enjoying our babies. Let the numbers go! Study your baby for his important cues and you will learn better how to help and care for him. I suppose that someday this will apply to things like test scores :).

3. My child is in God's hands. This was probably the hardest one for me, and yet the most essential. Every night I had to say good-bye to my baby and leave her in the hands of practical strangers. Don't get me wrong- the nurses were fantastic, and we really grew to love a handful of them that we are still in touch with since S's release. But some were better than others, and some I didn't know as well. Some cared more and really invested as they would if it were their own family member. But for some of them it was just a job. And what if my little girl was left to cry on her own for a long time? Her voice was so little, and she was in a room all by herself. Or what if a life-changing decision had to be made, and the person in charge of her made the wrong choice? Or what if they were negligent and the impact effected my baby for the rest of her life? The scary scenarios were endless, and if I had continued to dwell on them I would have made myself crazy. Ultimately I had to realize that my child was in God's hands. He was in that hospital room with her, and He was working each event in it according to the counsel of His will. Even if something did go terribly wrong. Isn't this true at all times anyway? When your child is 2, 4, 10, and beyond. Even if you watch them like a hawk and do all that you can, sometimes kids get cancer. Or hit by a car. Or choke or run away or are kidnapped. It happens  all the time. And the only thing we can know for certain is that the LORD is with them, and nothing happens to them apart from His loving and perfect decree. We don't have any guarantees outside of that ever. All that we can do is entrust them to our Heavenly Father's care.    

4. Be flexible and go with the flow, don't come with expectations which you cannot control. The NICU has been called a roller coaster countless times by countless people. One day your baby is doing great and you feel elated, the next day is disastrous and you walk away heartbroken. The only way I found to take it in stride was to try to keep a blank slate every morning when I walked into S's room. No expectations, praying for grace and patience for whatever was ahead, rejoicing in the sweet things as they came along. This is a moment-by-moment battle. We can have victory only in clinging to the promises of God!                                                                                                                                                             
5. Do not worry about tomorrow. I guess this ties in with the last two. Don't entertain endless what-ifs, be in the present and trust the LORD with this moment. His mercies are new every morning, and He gives more grace, as you need it!

6. My hope is in God, not men or medicine. Another toughie, also ties in with the last three. Sometimes doctors would promise us things that didn't happen, and when S didn't meet their expectations we were hugely disappointed. Other times S exceeded their expectations. Ultimately it didn't matter what drug they used or decision they made- how S responded and what happened in her body was, again, in God's hands .It is very easy to trust in things we see, but we are called to rely on the One who is unseen. And we praise Him no matter what- when things go as we had hoped, or when all earthly hope is lost.                                                                                                                                                                                                          
I hope that these lessons will be a help to you as they were and still are to me. What important lessons have you learned as a parent?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Linked Up With: Titus 2sday                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

A New Purpose

My purpose in starting this blog was to share things I was learning in my role as a wife and homemaker, in hopes of blessing, encouraging and learning from other homemakers along the way.

Several months in, my life was completely changed by the premature birth of my daughter. Little S came 3 months early, at 27 weeks, weighing 1 lb. 15 oz. In many ways the experience was devastatingly painful, but as with all trials in the life of a Christian, it was also a valley of great learning and affirmation of the truths I hold dearest. God is still completely sovereign, He has a purpose in every circumstance He brings the Christian through, and He lovingly cares for His own.

One of the hardest aspects of my trial was the great feeling of loneliness- all of my close friends and family members had delivered healthy, full-term babies. Although I did meet several parents in similar circumstances during our time in the NICU, none of them were believers. And what true comfort can come apart from Christ? There was mutual sympathy and support, but no real soul-sharing comfort.

Since my daughter's homecoming, I've heard of two other families recently thrust into similar situations- friends of friends who I don't know- and my heart goes out to them. I know the pain, the fear, the uncertainties, and the roller-coaster nature of the NICU. I long to hug them, to cry with them, to comfort them with the comfort with which I have been comforted by God (2 Cor.1:4).

In a desire to offer resources to other believers who happen to also be parents of preemies, I will be using this blog as a platform for just that. I still intend to post wife, mommy, and home things, I'm just adding something new to the mix. Something that is very much a part of me since the Lord chose to bring it into my life. Eventually I hope to have a wealth of material designed to encourage and inform NICU mommies, including guest posts from other women who have been there, done that. Stay tuned...                 

A Thanksgiving of Firsts

It was a thanksgiving of firsts in the O'Neill household. Baby S celebrated her first thanksgiving ever. Daddy and Mommy had their first Thanksgiving on their own, as keeping S healthy means keeping to ourselves until the spring. Since it was the first Thanksgiving we hadn't spent with family or friends, it was also my first turkey. I had a big sigh of relief when it came out just right without any major crisis!

It was also my first pie ever. I know that is embarrassing for someone like me who loves baking and all things domestic to admit, but alas, it is true. I have always been intimidated of pies! But it turned out fine. It tasted good even if it was a bit ugly :).

We had a very nice holiday by ourselves. I even got to take a nap while Niall watched S, which was amazing. We played Christmas music in the kitchen as we cooked together.

All in all there is so much to be thankful for this year! I am so thankful for S, who in all reality would not have made it to be with us apart from the loving mercies of God. I am thankful that she is off of her oxygen. I am thankful that none of us have gotten sick since she has been home. I am thankful that both sets of her grandparents and one uncle have been able to fly out and see her. I am thankful for delicious food and a cozy home, for a wonderful husband who works hard for us and strives to lead us spiritually. For a wonderful church body, many fantastic friends, and the freedoms we have to worship God in this country. For the Word of God and open access to Him in prayer. For His many tender mercies which are new every morning!

What are you thankful for this year?             
           

                                                                                                                                          

Verses for this Thanksgiving Season

                         

Over and over in the Scriptures we see verses telling us to give thanks to the Lord. Thanksgiving (I'm referring to the act, not the holiday) is very important to God.

Here are some scriptures that I will be meditating on and hopefully committing a few to memory this week:

 "Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 107:1

"Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of men!" Psalm 107:15

"Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples!" Psalm 105:1

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving." Colossians 4:2

"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

"It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High;" Psalm 92:1  

"But we your people, the sheep of your pasture, will give thanks to you forever; from generation to generation we will recount your praise." Psalm 79:13       

There are hosts of others to choose from!!! What Scriptures are on the forefront of your mind this week?                                                                                                                                                                                         

Lord's Day Recap: "Give Thanks to God"

Yesterday in preparation for thanksgiving, our Pastor preached on 1st Thessalonians 5:18, "In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." It was an excellent message, and I thought it might be encouraging to share his outline with you.

What should we give thanks to God for?

1. Temporal Mercies- Our life, breath, and all things. Health and strength, food, clothing and shelter. "Every good and perfect gift comes from above."

2. Spiritual Mercies- The gospel and the ministry of it, the ordinances of baptism and communion, faithful gospel ministers, electing grace, redeeming grace, adopting grace, and regenerating grace. To incite thankfulness for grace, think of 1) how unworthy we are as recipients of it, and 2)the access and relationship to God it gives!

3. His indescribable gift, Jesus Christ!!!

4. The Spirit of God- our Helper, Comforter, the Guarantee of our inheritance who indwells us and leads us into all the truth.

5. In Everything!! Every state, circumstance, and condition. Remember that our times are in God's Hands. Even in a furnace of affliction, God's grace will sustain you!

I was quite struck when he opened the message by describing the sin of discontent as "hellish, rebellious and blasphemous." I do not take complaining as seriously as I ought to! Oh, that we would see discontent with the same eyes as God does- to Him it is highly offensive.
                                            
There is so much to be thankful for. Those who belong to the living God are truly a blessed people!                                                                                                                                                                     

Observations from the Trenches of Failure

The trench of failure in which I am writing from is TIME WASTING. As with all sin, the truth about time wasting is that it seems sweet in the moment, becomes addictive (until a little wasted time spirals into a lot of wasted time), and always ends bitterly. At the end of a wasted hour, or afternoon, or day, I feel guilty and unsatisfied. As we covered yesterday, this is because I will only feel fulfilled as I live a life productive in honoring the Lord.

So what is to be done? I am tired of this vicious cycle, and I want to get out of it. Here are a few things I've observed:

1. Starting the day right makes a difference. If the first thing I run to in the morning is my Bible, and not the internet, a big battle has already been won. If I start the day with entertainment, I'll increase my appetite for more and the downward spiral begins again. But if I put first things first, then I am encouraged in my desires to be productive and redeem the time. If I am renewing my mind first thing in the Word, then I am setting it with Christ where it ought to be.

2. I need to plan how I am going to avoid time wasting. For example, I know that when I sit down to feed S, if I pick up the iPod, a little internet or a little video will turn into a lot of internet and maybe a movie. Not where I need to go! To avoid this, I will leave the iPod far away from the couch where I won't be able to reach it when I'm attached to the pump :). Next to me on the couch will be my Bible, Scripture memory cards, and a few carefully selected books I am reading. Wow, there you have it- another huge battle won! Instead of spending an hour frivolously on entertainment, it's been spent on renewing my mind and being productive.

3. Ending the day right also makes a big difference. If I end the day with a clean kitchen, when I walk into it in the morning I feel refreshed and ready to seek the Lord. If I walk into a dirty one, I am instantly discouraged, think "What's the point anyway?" and schlump over to the couch iPod in hand to escape my overwhelming abyss. Dramatic, I know, but when you are sleep deprived, isn't that how oppressive messes feel???

4. And finally, contrary to wasting time, spending your time wisely (as with any righteous thing) does pay off and brings joy. At the end of the day I may feel tired, but my kitchen is clean, I've read and studied good things instead of filling my mind with the world, and I can rest satisfied. Making wise decisions, like starting and ending your day right, can start a positive cycle of good decisions. And that is where I want to be!

Failures and Frustrations

Isn't it funny how the night you decide you are going to get up early and get onto the treadmill, your daughter decides to stay awake until 4 am (close to the time you had planned on getting up) with fussing and grunting and squirming, demanding you to forfeit your necessary night's rest? Yes, this is what happened to me last night, how did you guess? My personal example aside, you get the picture- whenever we make plans, obstacles just seem to jump out and throw us for a loop.

And this isn't me being a wimp. I have no doubt in my mind that after staying up with S all night, the right thing to do at 4 am when she finally fell asleep was to crawl into my bed. But how frustrating it is to have circumstances outside of my control keeping me from my goals!

Then there are the obstacles I can control, but haven't been. I love wasting time on the internet and other forms of entertainment. Lately I have been indulging myself from the first baby feeding of the day right on to the last. My little iPod makes it so convenient to browse the web, collect swagbucks, watch videos and facebook stalk people I haven't spoken with in years.

My recent lack of productivity has me feeling sluggish and depressed. For our Sunday School class at church we have been reading Dr. Wayne and Joshua Mack's book God's Solutions to Life's Problems. It is an excellent work, by the way, and well worth your time. In chapter 6, the Mack's address the crux of my issue. "My Father works. Because we are made in the image of God, we will find contentment and satisfaction only as we have a productive life.The greatest satisfaction comes out of having a life that is productive in honoring and glorifying God." Huh. No wonder frittering my days away on the iPod hasn't been very fulfilling or satisfying.

Okay, here is where I'm at. In this stage of life (let's call it newborn stage), I am required to spend a lot of time on the couch feeding S and pumping more food for her. This is not a waste of time, it is fulfilling the job that the Lord has called me to, and I can glorify Him by being faithful in it. It also means though that sometimes her schedule will prevent me from carrying out my own designs on how I believe I can be most productive (E.g- treadmill). That is life, and I can choose to joyfully accept that and work around it, or I can throw my hands up in the air and give up on all goal-making.

But on that couch I do have control over some things. Am I going to aimlessly play on the iPod, or spend time say, reading some good books? Will I place the priority on scripture reading, memory and prayer first thing in the morning, or will I succumb to what is easiest? This is my greatest battle: the battle between living to gratify my flesh and living to glorify God.

Pray for me if you think of it. I am losing the battle lately.

Tomorrow: Observations From the Trenches of Failure. I am writing it here so that I actually follow through!!!

Exciting News!!!

It has been a majorly exciting week in our home. Baby S achieved one giant milestone when the doctor said she could come off of the oxygen Tuesday evening!!! It has been glorious- kissing sweet baby cheeks with no tape on them for the first time ever. Seeing her whole face, just her face, with nothing on it. We've waited nearly four months for this, and it was well worth every moment.

Even better, my mom came from across the country on Wednesday to meet S for the first time. What a wonderful surprise for Grandma when the baby with nothing on her face was handed to her :). Precious moments.

So far S is doing great without the O2. She had been pulling that cannula out of her nose since she was about a week old, so I think she is happy to have one less annoyance in her life :). We are just praying for a healthy winter so she doesn't have to get back on it!

Updates: Surprising my husband went well! I did get to vacuum the whole house (a process that should be much easier from now on, since I can wear S without lugging an oxygen tank around too), and two shirts were ironed. It's a start. Niall appreciated my efforts.

November's goals are a struggle. As you can see I've been averaging about two posts a week instead of three. Walking and praying happen maybe twice a week. I am following 21 days to a more disciplined life on Crystal's blog at moneysavingmom. Let's face it, I need all the help I can get :/.

Here's to a good week of thanking God for our many blessings!! Woohoo, my baby is home free!!! :D

When God Hands You Plan B

 "The heart of a man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Early on in my two and a half weeks of hospitalized bed rest, my mom gave me a little notebook. On the cover it said, "Life is all about how you handle Plan B." Inside of it she wrote, "Dear Sweet Daughter, whether it's Plan B, C, D or Z it's ALWAYS God's Plan A that comes to pass." What a good reminder it was for me!

I never in a million years thought I would go into pre-term labor. I remember seeing "Know the Warning Signs of Pre-Term Labor" on a screen in my OB's office, and instantly dismissing it. "Won't be needing that," I presumed smugly. My mom had had 4 perfectly normal full-term pregnancies. I was young and in good health. It was my firm belief that I'd have to fight off the doctors from inducing me once I went beyond 40 weeks. Everyone goes late on their first, right? Ha ha. Not so.

On the fateful day that my mucus plug fell out, at only 24 weeks, things went from bad to worse. I went to the hospital and was initially told by a nurse that I'd be home in a few hours. Then after an internal ultrasound revealed a non-existent cervix the doctor said I'd be staying indefinitely, depending on what my body did. Two hours later the same doctor did a speculative exam and informed me that I was 3 cm dilated and my membranes were bulging. Eww. Translation: he could see my water sac dangling down, and it was in serious danger of breaking. Guess who wasn't going to be getting out of bed anytime soon? No more toilets, no more showers. Funny how the little things we take for granted become such a big deal when they're no longer available.

My "plans" just kept on changing. That night I started contracting, until they were only two minutes apart. I pleaded with the Lord on behalf of our daughter, barely on the brink of viability. "Lord, have mercy!" He gave me great peace, but it was a battle. The only thing that stopped my entire body from shaking was quoting scripture out loud. Then mercifully labor stopped around 2 am the following morning. And for two weeks my body cooperated. I planned on being on bed rest forever. I thought I would make it to at least 36 weeks. Ultimately I knew that God was in control and He would bring our baby when He deemed best, but I was hoping to keep her in as long as possible.

Then the contractions returned, and after three days of battling them with every drug in the book, my water broke. At the doctor's check I was 4 or 5 cm, and there was nothing more that could be done. She was coming. My Plan A had been to deliver as naturally as possible. Then my placenta started to tear and I was rushed for an emergency c-section. My introduction to breastfeeding was via a pump. My daughter spent her first two months of life in the NICU. I hoped and prayed that she would come home without oxygen, yet the Lord chose otherwise.

None of these events were my plans. I would not have chosen or asked for any of them. So how would I respond? Let me tell you, there were days in which I completely succumbed to my feelings of anxiety, disappointment, and self-pity. But God in His mercy graciously would bring me back to Himself, reminding me that His thoughts were not my thoughts, and His plans were not my plans. No, His are infinitely better! Even when we cannot see that. Thank God that He works all things according to the counsel of His will. Throughout our ordeal I was reminded time and time again that God has a purpose in EVERYTHING He brings me through. I was able to have joy despite the uncertainties and agonies of having a tiny little baby in the NICU. God does everything for our good and His glory. In moments like these this truth becomes less of a cliche and more of a solid reality.

Life is going to be full of Plan B's. Will we turn inward, becoming bitter and disillusioned, or will we look to the Lord and choose joy? "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes" (Ps. 119:71). "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life" (Ps. 119:50). "And we know that all things work together for good, to them that love the Lord and are the called according to his purpose" (Rom. 8:28).

God is faithful. After the most eventful months of my life so far, I can testify to it. He has been good. Praise His holy name!

Today's Special Purpose: Surprising my husband!

It is a beautiful sunny day today in northeastern Pennsylvania. And I have been inspired :).

My husband is at work all day, as usual, but he is going on a special guys night out this evening as well. It got me thinking, what if when he came home our house was actually really clean for the first time since baby? Or if I had actually ironed all of his shirts (also hasn't happened since bed rest, hehe)? If his desk was tidied and the nursery actually organized?

As probably happens to most mother's of newborns, my home has been fairly neglected lately. Usually the day is so full of feeding S and pumping milk in between feeds and trying to catch up on the sleep I'm not getting at night, that I feel great if just the dishes get done. And with the extra snippets of time I will confess I am usually reading or trying to rest or relax.

Well, today will be different, Lord willing. Today I am going to push extra hard to accomplish as many noticeable things as I possibly can- things that I know Niall will appreciate! Now I realize that S is going to have demands and needs, and those will be my first priority. And I also realize that sometimes your baby can throw you a curveball that consumes your entire afternoon. But by God's grace I am going to work as hard as I can, for just this one day! And tomorrow I can catch up on rest in a clean house :). Hopefully.

My plan of action: Tackle the vacuuming and ironing, as these will have the biggest impact. Anything that gets done on top of that is sheer bonus. I am trying to be realistic here :). I'll let you know how it goes!

What special thing will you do to bless your husband today?

Goals for November

Inspired by the idea of the 3 in 30 challenge, I've decided to try to focus on three goals every month (though I haven't officially joined). For the month of November they are as follows:

1. Walk- I haven't been exercising consistently since the day I was put on bed rest with baby S. Previously I was doing yoga and pilates videos, which I do love. However it seems like walking, especially since we have a treadmill, might be a good new pursuit. It is good for my heart, and my whole body! So treadmill here we come! The goal: 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week.

2. Pray- This is the spiritual discipline I lack in the most. I've tried different methods and approaches at various times, managing to keep consistency for a few days or even weeks, but somehow I always drop off eventually. Prayer is far too important for such negligence!The exciting thing is that this is something I can do while I'm walking :). I hope to combine these two goals for greater effectiveness!

3. Blog- As you can see, I've started to blog on this blog and dropped off several times. Yet for discipline's sake I would like to write on it at least three times a week. That is my goal anyway!

SO here we go. Baby steps. Hopefully by biting off only 3 goals a month, I will not be taking more than I can chew. And hopefully little by little, month by month, by God's grace, I will be able to eat the elephant that is the woman I ought to be.